Be U: is it Real if we Don't Tell

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, January 24, 2014

is it Real if we Don't Tell

I just told my husband's niece, my wonderful niece, about our home up north. How hard it is to talk about it for me. It feels like it makes it more real if I talk about it. Of course, it is real regardless. But, for me, sharing the pain perhaps makes me feel it more than I want to. Experience more than I want to. Open up to it more than I want to.

I have talked about it to very few. What comes to mind is when I never talked about my dad leaving me. That too, was like, if I don't talk about it it won't be my story. If I don't deal with it, it won't be real.

I did 'wake up' one day and realized it was real no matter how I reacted, thought about it, or shared it. This is/was my reality. I may as well feel it and let it go.

Me accepting it does not make it more real even if it feels this way to me. It's as real as it did happen.

Perhaps, this is why many of us do not talk about or even 'see' the 'elephant in the room'. It hurts too much. It feels too difficult.

I am learning that accepting it and dealing with it through love (or not) makes it go away or hurt less (or different) instead of ignoring it or not wanting it to be so.

I can process hurt much better when I walk through - right smack in the middle of it as it presents itself to me. Yet, I still want to take it slow, resist, pretend to myself otherwise. Perhaps, this is an old habit that I am ready to let go of.

I'm not sure what to do with this information other than to allow it to be a part of me because this is what is presenting itself to me just now.

May you embrace or at least acknowledge what is being presented to you as soon as you can. I do not think it leaves us or goes away. I believe it keeps coming back until we acknowledge, process, feel, learn, and evolve through it.

May you allow yourself to evolve through what is presenting itself to you today. Just what if, as easily as we evolve through the joyful, loving situations; we would learn to easily process through the painful, learning situations. Just live. Just walk through. Just be with what is and feel what you do and LIVE IT ALL with easier acceptance.

I'm not too sure about this.... and, this is where I'm at in this moment. I honor you and where you are just at this moment. Namaste'

Snow Sculpture - Unknown

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!