Be U: Resisting

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Resisting

I'm resisting 'visiting' here because I don't want my story to be my story. It is cold for me and I am uncomfortable. My hands are purple and numb. It is 63 deg.   I can't imagine if I was up north in the 0 deg F temperatures.

It is rainy and damp.

Little Bear isn't doing good this morning and I have a laser appointment for her at 1 p.m.   I'm very hopeful we will see immediate results. It is getting tiring and uncomfortable waking up wondering how my little 'girl' is going to be each day. And, Tiffany has been a real trooper with most of my attention on Little Bear. I find it extremely interesting all this 'learning' around my dogs.   There has always been something about the way I 'see' my dogs/animals.

The bidding for the property I like down here stops tonight at 10:30ish p.m. I am anxious, somewhat excited and definitely apprehensive to see the outcome of this 'go-around'. I am hopeful.   I believe. I am open to accepting the truth of it as I don't give up or in until I 'play' it out as far as I can go.

I am not calm inside as much as I'd like to report. My nose and face are numb and probably a little blue with the stress and the cold.

My toes and feet are not the happiest 'dogs'.   Get it - "My dogs are barking".... when it comes to saying one's feet are tired and sore.... (lol)

I have one 'leg' in my apartment and the other 'leg' desperately wanting a career and home. I know they are coming. I am losing patience.

I'm eating more than usual and this, too, makes me uncomfortable.

While working on my website last night, I realized that I want to be able to offer comfort in the uncomfortable. Perhaps, this is because this is exactly what I am searching for.

I know that I am ok even while I feel this discomfort. I know that life moves forward and through discomfort. ("This too shall pass.") It surely is not as fun moving through discomfort as it is living with comfort and we all experience both.

I have increased my medicine as to give my body a break and continue on somewhat functioning while so much change and discomfort is within and around me. This, too, I can find discomfort in.

Yikes.   I want to run for the hills far away from discomfort.   I will not. I will stand strong within it and feel it and allow it to propel me in the direction that I choose to walk as new choices arise.

My hip/back is not as tight as it was. It is still 'requesting' my attention.

So, while I wish I could tell you that everything is good; everything is smooth and that I have no fear and only cheer.... this is not my truth.

I stand in my truth and share it with you in hope that you choose to stand in yours and still believe, know and live YOU knowing you are ok even when it doesn't feel so.

May you know you are a work in progress and you are exactly where you need to be.  You are gaining momentum to be exactly where you find yourself most fulfilled if you haven't already done so. I believe.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!