Be U: Knees

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Knees

This past week has brought me to my knees; in prayer, in hope, in sorrow. As I sit here and type, my fingers are numb and purple. I feel chilled from the inside out. My nose and face are cold and numb. I feel an 'energy' running rampant in my body and it feels like it is unsure where to land. It feels like it needs a pattern to follow and cannot find one.

The insurance adjuster - 3rd one - was at my Pennsylvania (PA) home today. It is necessary for the company to keep sending out new adjusters because the cost of loss seems to be growing daily.

I am saddened. I am hopeful. I'm glad we had insurance. I'm glad I don't have to live there. I'm glad I was 'SETTLED' somewhere else when this happened.

It is only 48 deg F here and my body is not doing a happy dance. The good news is that it will not stay cool and all the vegetation is not asleep as it is up north. There is much vibrant beauty still to be experienced.

I am feeling like I matter less as I live a life that I wouldn't pick from a list of choices of how I would want my life to be. I am feeling unimportant as all of what I was connected to materially has changed.

I saw a woman smelling and holding her boyfriend's shirt as she was missing him as he started a new tour over in Afghanistan. War is extremely hurtful.

As I watched this woman hold her loved one's shirt what came to mind is that it is NOT the shirt that she is connected to per se. It is what the shirt represents. LOVE - Her Love and bond with her man.

I knew satisfaction, I knew safety, I knew comfort. I was surrounded by beauty and living creatures everywhere I went in my PA house. It is the material things that helped me to feel this way, but mostly, it is what I told myself about these material things. I liked them. I found beauty in them. I found safety in the house. I knew love everywhere I looked. I felt comfort wherever I placed myself.

Now, I tell myself, I am less at peace; less safe, less comfortable. The beauty of what was is gone and many of my living things have since died and/or stayed with the property. I do have my two dogs and my bird. I am grateful for them. I am grateful to not have the amount of work it took to upkeep the home.

So, as I'm on my knees praying for a connection, a vitality, a WOW to connect to - I know that it is inside of myself. I want to share this with something outside of myself once again. I want to be connected to a career, a house, a person, people that will help me to connect to all that I am. Without connection to use 'it', having all this 'greatness' inside is greatness not well spent.

I want to spend my 'greatness' well.

We all have greatness. You have greatness. Every one we know has something great to offer.

May you spend your greatness well.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!