Be U: Hoot or No Hoot

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Hoot or No Hoot

I'm preparing to acquire a new leased vehicle and I'm feeling and acting like I'm signing my life away. I hear myself struggle and I feel the fear of the completed deal. This emotion is new to me when achieving a new car.

I've been lucky to work a good job early on and have new vehicles since I was 18 years old. The excitement of creating something that I desire and to build and learn what each new package costs and the total amount of everything and then dealing with the sales person to acquire same at a good cost was always enjoyable to me.

This time around is not so. This time around feels strenuous and I'm allowing the excitement of it to be way low on my emotional ladder.

I'm thinking I am feeling this way because of the year that I have had. Giving up my home that I had put a large part of myself completely in to building, growing, decorating and sharing; this same house was changed without my awareness and under a trusted 'deal' that nothing major would change without my knowledge while I was in Florida (they call it "staged" to sell); going from living in a huge 'resort' to a small apartment... I really put my worth, who I was, and how I felt about myself in much of this 'human achievement' - my creation of 'Shambala'. HUGE.

It hurts me. I'm struggling with it. I am learning. I have to let go and forgive and find who I am without what was. It is not an easy feat for me. Hence, the fear that I am feeling while having conversations about leasing a new car. I see and feel my lack of trust. This is new for me.   And, I'm not liking it too much. Even with the Vets with Little Bear - and the way the medicine that I gave her (because I was instructed to do so) may have created her getting more ill - I see my lack of trust here too. I'm not as readily trusting outside of myself as I'm learning to trust myself more.

I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN CHANGE HOW I REACT AND FEEL. This is surely good news/bad news to me. Good news is that I am the only one that can mess with me and change me. The bad news is that I am the only one that can mess with me and change me.

No one can change me without my permission. I no longer want to feel like I give permission of who, what, where, and/or how I am to anyone but myself. I want to respond to each situation in my most favorable light and know the peace in each piece that presents itself to me.

While I still own the home in Pennsylvania; not for lack of trying to sell it, there is ultimate peace for me in not being in the cold. There is peace in not having constant contractors/workers/helpers to upkeep my home the way that I like it to be kept. There is peace that I get to be in sunny Florida which is where a part of me has wanted to call home since I was 18. There is peace knowing I am loved and that I am love. I have learned that my 'home' is right here inside of what I am. I have learned who and what I am from deep within. This loss has awakened a part of me from a young age that is now alive again.

I did not feel like the little girl that lived many, many moons ago for a long time. I now am this little girl grown into an adult and heading towards older age. I am all of me because of where I have been and where I am now. This is peace deep within.

Now, if I could just connect the outside world with my inside world and just be me through it all, through love and trust....   this, to me, would equal the peace that has eluded me for most of my life. And, the peace I have been searching for.

I'm feeling and thinking that if You are searching for something; most likely you are not completely connected to something within and inside of yourself. And, of course, I do not know this for certain. It is only a feeling that I have to believe there might be some truth to this. May I offer for you to 'play' with this possibility before discarding it. Thank you.

I awoke thinking to tell my beautiful and brilliant daughter "Enjoy your freedom to be you. Get YOU strongly embedded and deeply inside of you now" as you live your youth with youthful reckless abandon. Get to know this person now and put her strongly inside of yourself so that you will always have her to fall back on in your later years when life offers you challenges, change of plans and unforeseen circumstances that may threaten to break you.  Always know who you are and know that who you are matters most in everything you do. Always bring you to the table lovingly, openly, vulnerably trusting with informed awareness that you will be able to stand strong within yourself walking through whatever life has planned for you.

May you trust yourself knowing who you are; that this too shall pass and that the truth of who you are matters most in everything you do.

I am learning that the down times are just as valuable as the up times and every situation in our lives is something to embrace and grow from through and with love of self and one another. I believe. I believe in us.

Even as I feel myself questioning how I trust, I know that all is okay and we walk on together creating ourselves through the connection of ONE.

Hoot or No Hoot -- I have not a clue.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!