Be U: Childish

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Childish

I'm feeling childish as I 'can't control my dog' to contain her easily and quietly in a contained area. She is circling around, barking, scratching, very hyper as she tells me she wants out. It's very stressful on me. Perhaps, there are just some dogs that will not tolerate this. Yes, it is probably what I taught her. I taught her that she can have her way and that I'll always be here for her. And, I hear and believe that movement is not in her best interest. I have been truly fighting what I feel and what I know about this for several weeks now.

There has always been something with the dogs and I. An unsettledness; an uncomfortable-ness within me if they were not happy and content as I would label it.

I called the vet after fighting with myself not to all morning long.   I've told myself I'm a bad person and I'm the only one that cannot just do as the doctors say and keep her crated. I am wrong because I believe that many doctors and people think it is so easy and a no brainer... when my experience is quite the opposite.

I felt very childish as I called the vet. She was extremely helpful and was kind enough even to tell me that there are even some dogs that the owners have to come and pick them up because they just refuse or are unable to settle down where they are.

I hung up feeling more at peace. I hung up feeling childish. I hung up feeling stronger within my stance. I hung up thinking that some of the last times I easily asked for what I want or needed from my deepest truth, I was a child. And, as this child; I was told not to feel this way; not to cry; not to create attention and to be seen and not heard. Apparently, I believed this as fact and now, 40+ years later, I am learning that what I feel is okay, what I innately or instinctual know is correct for me and there is a very real basis for how and what I experience each situation.

So, I say, go ahead and feel childish but do not stop the feeling. Embrace it and go with it. Be gentle and loving toward yourself. Allow your instinct to be the loudest part of you. Allow all the other 'voices' to dissipate and fly off and out of you.   Keep only what is YOU.

You really are your 'best answer' that you have going for you.   Just what if You are the miracle you have been waiting for.

Everything we need for this lifetime we already have.

I support you in following your innate and instinctual knowledge and feelings. I truly believe when we all do this and share who we are from this truth within - OH LA LA and FA LA LA LA LA - Then, it will indeed be a very MERRY Christmas.

How many of us are doing things we really do not want to do or we get very little joy from, if any.... Who in your life is going to be the first one to innately 'perform' and love on in the way that brings everyone that is touched by these deeply real truths the same opportunity to share what is truly inside of themselves because they experience this one person doing the same....

May it be YOU.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!