Be U: Checking In

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Checking In

I had a vet come yesterday to my apartment and she says it is now Little Bear's neck area that is hurting the dog and wants xrays. I am sad and afraid. I feel helpless because of her previous extensive back surgery in 2009.   I don't like to see anyone or anything suffer. I don't really like to suffer myself!

I know suffering is part of this human experience.

I trust the process as best I can. I feel 'sour' inside and heavy to what is.

I know that I am still okay. I know that to feel what is is to experience life.

I'm feeling what is. There is a big part of me that doesn't really want to. There is a part of me that thinks I do not know how to. There is another part of me that feels it and apparently knows how to.

I see the good in the difficult. I experience the 'friendship' of the vet; the care of humankind.  I have a homemade 'pen' for Little Bear to stay still in.   I am giving her the medicine and the holistic alternative things in hope that this will all benefit her. She is not comfortable at times, and other times I believe that she is. Today, I've been rarely comfortable as I tell myself I do not what to experience a sick Little Bear.
I surely am not where I want to be on this and I surely am where I am supposed to be.

It's a beautiful sunshiny day as I walk Tiffany. I love the ease of shorts and t-shirt in December. I have great gratitude for this.

I had crab legs with my daughter. I spend time with her. I am fortunate and lucky to do so. I am fulfilled.

I wait on to see where Little Bear's health is going to take her (and me). I hope she still has many years of silly joy left to share with me.

There is much chaos in many of my relationships and situations just now. There is much love and beauty. I do believe we are working and living more from the inside out. None of us know how to do this very easily or even think that we want to.

We must. We must to create the world and be our true selves that we are here to evolve into and just be with.

If you are feeling chaotic, may you recognize the peace. If you are peaceful, may you share this peace with others.

Support one another to be who we truly are and trust that we know what is best for ourselves. Even when we are 100% certain that we know what best for others, allow them to believe what they believe (as long as it is not hurting you or others). Just what if we each have our own innate knowing to follow easily, together; to create an ultimately better and more harmonious world. I believe.   May you. If you are uncertain, may you connect to the one cell in your body that just, maybe, can feel there is more truth to what you feel as opposed to what you know.

Live. Feeling on.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!