Be U: Going with What Is

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Going with What Is

I am waking up realizing that I have not been doing too well at going with what is. With Little Bear sick, I have not been as concerned with my other little dog, Tiffany. She did not get her usual walks. She did not get her usual attention.

While this is understandable to me, I know I can do better. This morning I realized that I can walk Tiffany with joy and fun while Little Bear is recuperating on her doggie bed. That this is going with the flow.

I was having a hard time not doing my usual get up and go for a dog walk. I only let them out and then worried about Little Bear.   I know by going with the flow - the best scenario would be to take Tiffany for her regular walk and allow Little Bear to do what she is capable of doing. She is okay alone for short periods of time.

I feel childish as I write this and realize this. However, there was a 'fight' within me that didn't want to do this. I allowed guilt for Little Bear not being able to walk and had guilt regarding Tiffany for not letting her usual routine to occur.

I was in fear of Little Bear's pain and circumstance and was unable to step back and experience what is in the bigger picture.

This morning I experienced what is and went with it.   Little Bear walked with us very slowly just a very short time. I then carried her back into the apartment and continued to walk Tiffany; although Tiffany did not seem to want to go without Little Bear. It was, perhaps, her sensing my discomfort in it all.   Yes, I had discomfort worrying about what I think each one wanted/needed. I could not give them it.   I'm sorry to tell myself - but I'm not that powerful! Ha!

Here is this pattern still. While it is wonderful to be compassionate and empathetic, it is more wonderful to be this while also experiencing one's own feeble but prevalent feelings.   I say feeble because my needs surely are not as recognizable as others' feelings are to me at times. And, yet, at other times, only my needs are recognized as in when I don't feel up to go out with a friend and the friend is saddened by this...   I do not know compassion and empathy for anyone but myself, perhaps, during these situations.

This is huge 'stuff' for me. It is not fun. It must come from childhood because I feel like a child discussing this. I have to walk through this because I want to be more balanced with my compassion and empathy between myself and others. It is better when it is not either/or but somewhere in between. They say 'awareness comes first'...

Here's hoping to knowing how to do this! Hmm.

May you balance yourself where you feel unbalanced.

Good news/bad news -- Only you can give yourself the balance that works best for you. You do know. Balance on!

Yes, I'm telling myself that this is what my life has come to... Worrying on how to walk dogs...
Deep, possibly good stuff and, yet, there are so many more 'real' problems out in the world... Perhaps, these little problems solved is exactly what is needed to help the bigger ones. It is my hope. I believe. Start within... This is 100% possible. May you face your 'problems' head on as they arise. Do not run. Stay and feel your way through. Double dog dare you.... lol Yikes! YOU HAVE YOU.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!