Be U: Winding Down

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Winding Down

I feel that I am finally getting a stronger footing on this Earth of ours. I've been out to a movie, had a massage and am extremely tired and NOT uptight.

I think I've been extremely tired AND uptight.

I'm thinking there is a big difference to these two 'tireds'. One I can be tired and let go; the other I'm tired and still feel apprehensio
n or anguish even.

I continue to move forward, play ME out and see where I end up.

Many people I encounter are encouraging and thanking me for some information I state or some words I write to them. Without sounding over the top or 'big-headed' - some are telling me what a 'gift' I am.

I'm liking it. I don't think I was open to this before. I'm not sure what to do with it. I certainly don't want to get mean, nasty or have a better than every one attitude or even come across as such.

A person, who I just met today, said they felt more blessed because of our encounter together. What a gift they gave me by being brave, true and open enough to share this after just meeting.

This information can certainly give me a big head and I can also look at it like I've done my work to gather the true me; I'm ready to help as best I can; ready to share; ready to 'play' big in our world.

It also terrifies me because I surely do not want responsibility for others' lives; yet I would love if they could do one thing different; say or hear one thing differently to be a happier them in correlation to my own truth (if this is what they choose or need).

So, I slowly step out amongst the living beings of our day and I slowly embrace what is; what can be; what does and doesn't occur and which direction I'd like to see us all go. GETTING OUR TRUTH AND OUR HAPPY ON....

May you have your truth and your happy ON more and more each day. I believe the most important is our truth. Our truth of who we are; what we feel; how we think while allowing everyone we encounter to do the same exact thing.

We are all here at this time together. This is a fact. What we do with this time is in our control. Our whole hearted reaction is, perhaps, what matters most.

May you cognitively be aware of how you affect each person you encounter. (This idea from a man on an old Oprah Show on the OWN network.)

Of all the 'weirdo' stuff I've shared on this blog; this is one I sit with before I published for a bit.... Why am I so hesitant about this one...... because I talk positive and good about myself.....because I like being called a 'gift'....because I'm achieving what I've worked so hard to achieve (peace, understanding, connection)....yikes

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!