Be U: Uh Oh

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Uh Oh

I lost track what day of the week it is. With my husband being on two weeks vacation; the holidays and moving into an apartment in Florida, I have lost my mind. It's gone missing!

For the past two days, I have lost track of many things! The day of the week, the step stools, my phone...all normal (and not so normal) 'stuff'. And, this is just this morning! yikes

My head is reeling. I am way off schedule and having the feeling of certainty.

I'm asking myself if it's my age, my medicine, my life, -- What? I suppose the answer is it's my age, my medicine, my life just now. I am settling into a new normal. I am pushing for what I believe in; what I want. I am reaching for my heart's contentment. And, I would not call it easy. I do think I have let go of the word impossible; for now.

There is less to do each day as far as settling in. The beds are able to be slept in, the big furniture is where it is going to be. The fountains are up and running. I love the flow of water and the sound of the trickle as it moves through the motor and down the slope only to recycle again.

I don't remember it being this hard to remember or to readjust before. I have moved several times in my lifetime (this may be my 11th) and I don't remember it being quite the challenge that I am experiencing this time around. It is still exciting. I still feel lucky. I still know gratefulness. I also know challenge. However, the challenges are small and I am certain they will go away more and more as I process them each day.

I used to love living here for 6 months and up north for 6 months. When I tired of one life - I went onto the next. The feeling of stability is becoming more important to me. I still love the adventure, however, the adventurous part of me seems to be pretty content right now.

Watching my daughter graduate high school, enter a college and compete with her horses this winter is where I want to focus. It's great fun watching the young kids grow up and spread their wings and fly their own course. It amazes me how I couldn't and cannot predict most of the things they find their way to. We have some really great kids following their own footsteps and getting ready to lead our world. Our world is going to be okay, largely, due to their beauty, brilliance and greatness.

I feel privileged to know many great 'kids'. I look forward to being amazed.

So, as I go on with my day - I hope to forgive myself for not being perfect, for not doing better when I am doing my best and for not being able even if my heart wants it with everything I am.

May you practice forgiveness of self today.

I've heard it said - how harshly we judge others; we judge ourselves double that; at least. Is this an OUCH for you? Perhaps, we can choose to let go of some of the judging of others until we've walked in their shoes -- and that is never 100% going to happen. We are all unique and we all have a purpose and we are all doing the best we can. Do you believe.....

Street in Wellington, Florida

No comments:

Post a Comment

My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!