Be U: Horses

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Horses

My daughter started showing at the winter horse show today.   I so love watching the power of the horse and the one-ness with the rider sail over the jumps so eloquently and together. It surely is a dual effort. I believe my daughter to be magical as she does this.

The weather was beautiful. To me, this is 80 degrees with a beautiful breeze. Palms trees, bougainvillea and impatiens bountiful. It truly felt like a type of dry paradise.

People competing against each other, yet friendly. I'm sure there is rivalry; competition breeds rivalry. I was always more about competing against myself and seeing how I can be the best that I can be and encourage others to do the same.

Yes, I have had some people over the years that just didn't connect with me and me with them; yet, if we took the time OR I took the time to look deep enough, there was always some sort of same-ness to be found.

I am finally starting to relax in body, mind and spirit and it feels fabulous.   I am letting go.   I do not have to fight the cold weather. I do not have people at my house every day. It's more about me than my house. The dogs are starting to walk easier. When we first started walking with the leash (because of the lack of a yard), they would just hang with me. We are now walking further and further and not stopping every minute to smell every smell.

It was somewhat cute how when a car would pull into the parking lot, the dogs thought it was someone visiting them. It was a change for them that when a car pulled up to their home, that the person(s) in the car was not there to visit them. They would sit and watch. Little Tiffany hunkers down and doesn't budge so she can see who they are. All six pounds of her are pressed hard to the ground as if I wouldn't be able to pull her on.   I don't.   I wait. (most of the time!)

So, as I'm settling in; each day feeling easier; I feel myself relaxing, letting go, giving up the fight of survival. I can now just survive without a fight.

Yes, I believe I have created the 'fight' on my own. However, it didn't come about because I wished for it or pulled it out of the air. My feelings; beliefs; thoughts came about for real reasons. I am aware of the reasons now and I can choose to hold on to the ones that make me happy and I can choose to work on changing the ones that are still hurtful.

May you be aware of your reasons for thinking the way you believe and feel; and may you know what to do with them to get your happy on.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!