Be U: Pick Up

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Pick Up

Hello. It's been a while. I think I was coming here to Florida thinking that I was going to pick up right where I left off. Oh, no no no.

This is not possible. While I love the weather, the palm trees, the temperature -- I have to learn a whole new way of being me; living me. How exciting and how scary! Yikes.

I'm setting up home while taking care of everyday things and trying to balance and regulate myself in this new life. Just getting a plate from a whole new place; using an electric stove top instead of gas, hearing people in the next room instead of being isolated in a certain area of my home; it's all quite new and different. My home up north was set up for my hands and my inabilities. This place is for any normal person. Doorknobs, locks and water handles are a wee bit challenging. (I will succeed, however.)

Again, I want to say how exciting and how scary.

I have been laying very low these past three days. Previous to this, I had been going on high speed and accelerating way past my normal everyday capacity. It has been fun and it has been challenging.

My heart is very happy I'm here. The rest of me has to catch up and be where I'm at and allow myself to enjoy and let go instead of worry and think 'impossible'.

I cannot do as easily as I could 10 years ago; even 3 years ago. My needs and my goals are different some. It is very much like I have to learn what makes me happy now. It used to be laying in the sun, the beach and exercise. Lately, it's been my dogs and my deep connection with people. I love hanging with my dogs and I love knowing what is going on - really going on - in other people's lives. My family and friends are always my everything.

So, as I move forward into the unknown, I bring with me trust, love and knowledge that - no matter what -- truly - no matter what, I will be okay and I will be me.

The hardest thing for me this week is not feeling guilty that I cannot do many things that were much easier before. I do not have the energy or the desire to constantly go. I like being in quiet. I like doing nothing.

Yes, there are many things in this world I still want to do and see and feel. I want to save the world and I want to see Bora Bora and I want to feel myself sitting in a white Ferrari convertible and going vroom, vroom! lol

But, for today, I want to learn to let go, not worry, be me and follow the rule that it doesn't matter what people see; it matters how people feel when we are in each other's presence and then parted.

How do people feel when they are in your wake (the vibration of you)? May you have an idea and may it be positive as often as possible.

SanDiego, California, USA

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!