Be U: Achy Breaky

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Achy Breaky

My body aches as I wake up this morning. It is tired, it is uncertain as to what happened to it this week.?.!.   I allowed high levels of fear/stress in and my body is reneging.    [As I look up the word renege to make sure I am using it correctly - the word of the day is 'fusty' which means old fashioned or out of date].

I am learning that 'my' house is fusty. With the two main inspections complete (very thoroughly I'd like to add), there are many, many minor things that are fusty and need attention such as doors sticking and not working properly, new cases for keypads in and outside of the house and power washing. There are two big things - A/C unit and roof that need attention. So, as I'm walking through, I am learning much to be able to make a clear and concise decision regarding this house. I am wondering if I want to make it my own...

My goal is to simplify my life. My goal is comfort,   My goal is joy and happiness.   I know hard work. I do not want another house to be a large part of my daily time consumption.   I am so very grateful I had what I had and lived how I lived. I want more time diversification including a profession where I can support people to create their own life as their own goals become known to them.

I sit in an indecisive mode. I know the right/best answer for myself is within myself. I wait for it as I process and feel all the information I have acquired this week.

What comes to mind is the quote of my great friend, "Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. May you be your own best friend." Debbie Hershey McMahon I want to be my own best friend.

It is my thoughts and my 'human' obsession or connection to the outcome that got me stressed this week. It was my fear of walking through the unknown and doing a job that, perhaps, was not really mine to do. Yet, I achieved my goals and I want to pat myself on the back big time for achieving my goals no matter what it took.

I say I trust that it will all work out as it is supposed to and I believe this to be true. However, I allowed emotions to hang out and gander around with each situation that arose this week to walk through the process. So, while I'm trusting the outcome, I choose to also trust the process that gets me to the outcome.

Deep Breath...

This change of thinking, being, doing, saying, living, breathing is WORK. Yet, staying stuck in old patterns that are harmful, uncomfortable and show themselves again and again everyday -- I'm no longer having this as part of who I am.   I'm 'doing the work' like Iyanla VanZant says. "Do your work."

May you be open to doing the work that is 'in your face' just now. Embrace it, process it, trust it and allow your most authentic self to live it, just now and in this moment. Bring the real you - with all your real feelings, thoughts and emotions - into every situation that arises before you.

During the process and unto the outcome, ALLOW it all as you stand strong in who you are. Do not fight, ignore, or run away from your truth.   Allow it as easily as you can.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!