Be U: Working

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Working

I'm working on better communication going forward with my man. OH BOY! lol

While he has asked me to leave him out of this blog; yet supports me with it.... it is hard to post when I am strongly involved with learning and growing in my relationship with him.

He is coming tonight! I know excitement, anticipation and anxiety.

It is like I get set in my way, my schedule, my daily-ness and then he comes and 'my way' gets disrupted. It has been like this for 20 years since he created, and we accepted, a job that has him traveling much during the week.

So, he comes in tonight and, because of my choosing, I'm already rearranging things for his comfort and his stay. I want him here and it's an adaption for all... until we finally, figure out a better way to have his income and have my health....

We cannot foresee much in life. We can only do the best we can with the 'cards' we are dealt. I believe this is what he and I have done.

There has been much greatness and much hard work and much flexibility and much giving up time with each other. There has been good, wonderful decisions. There have been not so good decisions.

And, right now in this minute we are married 22 years and going forward with great hope of more greatness coming our way. How lucky we are to want to continue on together, forever.

Working together to raise our one and only brilliant and lovely child has been more like a tag team effort. It worked for us a lot of the time. It didn't always work for us. It was what we created with what we knew, who we were, what came our way and what we were able to build together. I am so grateful that I was there when she took her first step, said her first word, went to her first year of school, rode her first horse, took her first driving experience, graduated from high school and found the most perfect college for herself. I was there. I witnessed and experienced it all. I am very blessed because of this.

I also gave up my exercise company, playing out in the world alone, being with many friends often and exercise from time to time. I alone chose to give these things up.

Back to my communication with my husband. We are going forward as a couple again; this time with a recently grown child and I hold on to things that hurt me in the past, felt walked over at times, and want appreciation for allowing him to be the best that he could be on the job and out in the world. It is what worked best for us and we both just want to be appreciated, honored and loved for who we are and what we did and how we loved, supported and gave to each other.   Is this my version of a mid-life crisis.. Maybe. Is this just being human.. Maybe. Is this me needing more connection with my man.. Maybe.

And, I'm open to doing better, creating anew, admitting I'm far from perfect, I made mistakes and I know that this man is the man that I'm supposed to be doing exactly this with.   Huge Learning.

So, as we communicate and let go and build anew.... emotions are rampant, feelings are out on the table and love is in the air.   Oh what a long marriage entails.

Entail on and marry away and continue to always, as best we can, come from a truthful and loving place as often as possible.

This is no easy feat. Marriage is a continuous, never-ending work in progress. Some great times. Some rough times. Some so-so times.   We've had them all.

It seems that when he was 'out', I was 'in' and when I was 'out' he was 'in'. There was always one of us fighting to stay in.   So far, we have won! What a upside down, backwards, fast, slow, above water, below water roller coaster ride we've had, thus far.

Communication changes all the time as we ourselves change. What a 'hoot' and, perhaps, the strongest place to find one's truest of self.

May you communicate with your partner. If you don't have a partner just now, may you be truly open to having one if this is your wish or may you be happy alone for now.   I do know that it is more desirable to be lonely when I am alone than lonely when I am in a relationship.

Lessons are everywhere, never-ending, and the most wondrous lessons are not what I call easy. And, we can allow ease....

May you allow ease in all your relationships as you speak your truth, lovingly. May I offer, if you cannot speak your truth - write it, sing it, act it out.... Just be sure to let the person you are in this relationship with know your truth as lovingly and gently as you can making it all about you and how you feel, think, and what you want. (This way we don't make the other person go on defense, hopefully.) It just may allow for greatness and, at the very least, both will know where you stand.!

*Edited with and accepted by my husband

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!