Be U: Rainy Fall Day

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Rainy Fall Day

I'm learning the weather here in southern Florida. Rain, rain and rain.   Just now anyway. There has not been many days of sun. No full days of sun for certain. The storms are invigorating and lovely. The humidity and bugs are not. I have a 'funny feeling' that if the sun were hot, it would be WAY HOT!

It is not [ever] greener on the other side, perhaps. There is always good with the bad and beauty with the ugly and peace with the chaos.  And, it's okay.

Embrace it all. or so I tell myself.

I'm struggling with wanting it to feel 'easier' and 'it' not feeling so.   I am still exercising regularly although this is the third day that I did not make it the gym. I'm feeling more sluggish for sure.

It has stormed all day.   While I took some video of it to send to friends and family, it has invigorated me during the storm, yet, now on the tail end of it, I find myself lazy.

I have found out, somewhat quickly, that my muscles do, in fact, have memory and my ability to increase on most workouts has been doable.   There are some days, when my body doesn't want to and I honor this.

I hear my body saying 'thank you', 'thank you', 'thank you'. I get excited being in the gym. It feels wonderful to sweat some and get reacquainted with my muscles. It is a joy.

I believe it's best for my skin, my heart, my bones, my muscle mass and to burn calories.   Muscle burns more calories than fat and this, too, I find exciting. Movement and weight lifting make every day life easier. It just does.

So, while I wish I was at the gym today because I know I'd feel better after (no one has ever been sorry they exercised regularly), however, getting up at 4:30 am to take a trip to the airport and not falling back asleep set me out of sorts today and I did not push and I am sorry. I will stay sluggish until tomorrow.

Yes, I could beat myself up. And, I'm learning to trust the process and not beat myself up (too bad) when I don't do what is 'right' for myself.  I am open to learning and doing better in these moments and accepting where I am, for now.

Yes, a part of me puts a "L" on my forehead (ha) and, luckily, a larger part of me is beginning to hug myself and support myself through instead.   It is quite a different feeling than berating and judging too harshly. It's all really okay. And, it's all about finding the best balance as best I can. I'm a work in progress.

May you hug and support yourself through it all as best you can. Perhaps, you, too, are a work in progress. Honor where you are. You are worth your own kindness.

Unknown

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!