Be U: Continuing On

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Continuing On

I'm having family moments of greatness and family moments where I still get stuck and do not 'do it differently'. If nothing changes, nothing changes.   If something changes, something changes.

I am stuck halfway between both... ebbing on each side of the level so to speak, continuously going back and forth and, at times, being right smack in the middle of greatness and losing (or so it feels).

What a hoot that our garage door would be 'here' as well; stuck right in the middle.  The spring on the door has broken and it will only go up halfway.

The universe is funny this way.  Things around us can show signs of exactly where we are in our lives and give us strength to laugh at it or pains to cry at it.

We do both.   We humans are made to do both...   To balance what is as best we can with the good and the not so good; even the downright bad.

And, here I go labeling.   What if me being stuck here in the middle feeling wonderful moments and then 'trying' moments is exactly how it is supposed to be.   What if this is teaching me; possibly preparing me to move forward, to be here now, to participate fully in life now. I can accept things as they are just now. Know the grandness in it, know the frustration in it and choose to laugh, be happy, love, and share through it all.

I believe this is the answer.   I still get stuck in my head or my heart and do not handle a present situation to my best ability.   Or, perhaps, being stuck IS my best ability and if I accept it and not want it to be different, I can allow JOY and FLOW of most everything that is.

Oh, I need help on these matters....   And, most 'help' tells me... "This is it"... This is living.... This is life.   There is no more or no less and just walk on.

So, I'd like to offer to you.... my beautiful human being....

Just walk on and through.   You are living your life just now today.   This is it. No more. No less.

May you be the total truth of who you are, how you feel, what you know, and how you will go on...Feel it from the depth of yourself and allow life to flow through you with your fullest of potential at each given moment.

Sometimes you'll do great... Other times... Not so...   You are not alone, this is how we all know life to be.

Live On.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!