Be U: Where I'm At

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Where I'm At

I'm in a good place. Not an easy place but good place.

I've soared through much more of my own muck these past three or four days. Getting on the very same page as my husband in every aspect of our lives; an ability to see the breakdown of my Pennsylvania house and letting it go as my own; and transitioning to having my only child in a local college. I'm settling into my temporary apartment, once again, here in Florida and I'm moving on.

I feel that while some anxiousness, excitability and uncertainty is within, I also stand strong and firm in a belief that I will be okay; better than okay even. Everything will find it's way, work out great and I will know the feeling of being deeply settled because I'll be burying some deep roots into the ground here. I know happiness and a drive to support myself, and others, on this ride that is called our lifetime.

I am seeing the most beautiful gift of lovingly speaking my truth and the glow, for a lack of a better word, that arises from this. The beauty in communication that two (or more) people can find by sharing truth while not judging or anticipating anything else is HUGE. I mean HUGE!

I'm sitting in my truth. The interesting thing is that I always thought I was. It was mostly all internal truth once upon a time. Externally, I was different. I'm probably still not as deep as I can go (from my own experience). [If we are all like an onion and we are peeling away... I'd like to know how many layers can an onion possibly have. I'm already past way more than I ever thought possible!] Yet, I feel that I am no longer afraid of who I am. I am, for the most part, not (in my corner of my little world) afraid to feel, think, breathe, say, voice, share what is on the inside of myself.   I show it on the outside as much as I possibly can. I believe this is a huge gift. I know it is for myself. I think it is for every one else that knows me as well.

Only time will tell. I am lovingly open to share from the depth of myself as much as I know how to today. I come from my truth.   My truth is the only thing that truly matters for me and for the world around me. I am open to hearing others' truth lovingly as well. I am learning that it is only what I believe that truly affects me.

When we come from the depth of who we are, we are living and doing what we were created and here on this earth to do. I BELIEVE.

I am sitting at this desk that is semi-comfortable for me. My dogs lie here in this small room. My bird sits, happily, out in the patio in 90 degree heat having just taken a spritzer bath. I wait for my daughter to come home so we can go to the gym. My husband is in Pennsylvania working ever so hard and will be here for his once every two weeks visit next week.   We are selling a home that we have built our lives around.   We are relocating full time back to Florida, a dream of mine for a long time.   My hands are still somewhat deformed and my skin is still tight. I'm not completely comfortable in my body and I'm getting there. I'm eating better but still have a caffeine free diet coke with lemon from time to time. I am watching how my body reacts to this. I am living in an apartment and can only think of it as temporary because I like me some space. I am still living in upheaval and have since I have been 10 or so when my dad disappeared from the family. Very rarely have I just had one home and stayed put. I like the adventure I suppose. I'm comfortable with it. I do want to stay and make Florida the primary residence and maybe just live elsewhere for 2 or 3 months out of each year. I want to be a 'great weather chaser'. I want to share the depth of our world from within and without through love and tenderness. I believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience and I believe that we are all connected at this very depth of our source of breath.

I may never find out if what I believe is true.   And, it's okay.   I know I am here today breathing and typing this. I know that I am open and truthful as I can be. I am proud and happy of who I am. I am perfect in all my many imperfections. There is no one else anywhere that can be me.   There is no one else anywhere that can be you.

May we honor each other and bring our true selves with us wherever we go... as much as possible, as caring as possible; as loving as possible.   This is my wish.   Yes, we may have a long way to go.   I can start with myself. And, so can you.

May you choose to start with the depth of who you are. May you let yourself feel you (it). Your light is much needed. Shine ON.

Picture from Wild Eye Images

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!