Be U: So

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

So

I have my wish of having a place back down in Florida (southeast United States) for the winter months! I am so blessed, lucky and fortunate to be able to find refuge in what I call Paradise for this winter.   I'll be away from the cold, harsh winter. I know some people love the cold winter months; some it doesn't affect either way. However, it depresses and hurts me. I have a hard time with no sunshine for days and the cold temperatures freeze me to my bone.

So, I am very grateful to know that I will be comfortable these winter months in Florida.

And, with this comes new challenges. Be careful what you wish for is what comes to mind now. Moving all the furniture from storage to the new apartment. I love the decorating part and organizing part. I hear myself telling myself that I am not 40 like the last time I did this. My health has decreased significantly. My strength even moreso. I will walk my two little dogs instead of just being able to go out back with them. Leaving my loved ones will be very hard. I'll take them in my heart. Leaving the comfort of my beautiful home here; my fish and my birds. Yet, I still know gratitude because I know I belong in Florida. I've known this since I was 19.

I didn't realize what a gift I was giving to my mind, body and spirit by exercising. (how did I get here... the mind is a strange and complex entity) The ability to easily pick up and move things; the strength even in my gait alone. A stronger mind comes with a strong body. I know this and, yet, I do not regularly do strength training or cardio work. I do very little everyday.   I do something everyday, mostly stretching because it feels so good; my body hurts when I do not do it. I move around the house alot doing this and that, but I do not dedicate time to 'move'.

Maybe being in Florida, with much less responsibility and privacy, I will do it. I hope so. I know just hoping won't make it happen, however, I'm going to accept this thinking as a start.

The fish in the pond are getting ready to 'sleep' for the winter. I feed them every so many days now. They already, at times, look frozen in the clear water. What a miracle this 'natural state' is to watch. It amazes me every year; their 'hibernation'. Pretty much how I allow my reaction to the cold amaze me....

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I feel like I am not coming from the deepest part of myself. I feel hesitant and uncertain as to what to write; almost fearful and watchful of what I'm typing. This is new for me. From the beginning of finding myself here, I'd just let my fingers rip across the keyboard telling whatever story that is inside of me; in the very way that it was inside of me.

I'm losing this some. Perhaps, all the work I have done leading me here, I've 'caught up' with. I've told my story that has been inside of me willing to come out.   I am onto my new story that hasn't been created yet. How different and how exciting! Perhaps, I've accomplished what I've come here to accomplish. WOWZA.

Only time will tell.

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May you continue to dig deep within and allow whatever is inside of you freedom to live.

I care. You matter.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!