Be U: Sores

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Sores - Ouch

The past two nights I've been kept awake for many hours with sores on my fingers. My hands are swollen and the throbbing is very uncomfortable. It feels like a knife is going back and forth and scraping my bone on one of my fingers. It looks infected. This is a normal sore for me. OUCH.

I'm not sure what happened. I've been doing pretty good on the pain level and I've been able to use my fingers somewhat easily and have been definitely sore free. They are currently stiff and very difficult to use; extremely sensitive to the touch.

I am sad and angry that this is happening to me again. I haven't had this much pain for months and I really do not know how I have suffered decades with this great throbbing pain of ulcers on my fingers.

Why I feel like a failure is uncertain in my mind. I do feel like one because I'm telling myself that these ulcers are my fault. I could do better. I'm not sure. I don't know if it's habit when I stress too much or do too much. I don't think it's conscious. It could be unconscious. I know telling myself I'm a failure is not in my best interest. There is big part of me that knows this is an untruth. Even though we all have failed before, this does not make who we are a failure. In fact, I believe it's better to fail than not to have tried at something that peaks our interest or something we believe could be really beneficial for us to succeed at. We are human beings doing the best we can with what we know and with the experiences that have made us who we are today.

I do know I don't want this to be my truth. I do not want this pain nor do I want any more symptoms of scleroderma. I guess because I can live so many months without ulcers, I tell myself that there is a way to live ulcer-free; I just have to figure out this way.

It seems when I get close to feeling like playing in the world again; finding a job; exploring this great earth that we live on -- 'something' is not ready for me to do so and things pop up and keep me 'down'; keep me 'in' and 'internal'. As I'm typing this, I know that fear can have great power over me. I also feel great excitement with moving on as well.

So, I am accepting where I am today with hopes that I will be in an easier place tomorrow. All I can do is strive for it, so strive I will.

May you strive for what you want in your heart today. May you succeed in accomplishing it.

This is my wish for you today. I'd also like to suggest replacing the word 'strive' with 'allow' and see how that feels. Mmmmmm

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!