Be U: Where I was/Where I am

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Where I was/Where I am

I lived in a beautiful, large, safe and wonderful paradise. I was able to take time for me to heal, learn, follow my heart and stay true to myself as best I could.

I'm now living in an apartment complex where my dogs can't run free and I walk amongst not just my own trash, but others and not just my own being but others. I am not the most comfortable I've been and I truly believe this is right where I am supposed to be. My dogs get dirtier quicker because we are amongst the 'smells' of other dogs. I hear trucks and see a grocery store loading dock right outside of my front door. I have no say in what color mulch they put down on the gardens. I am grateful mulch is put down.

I walk amongst pipes for water processing. I walk among smells that can come from these pipes.. and other things.

When I was up on the small mountain with a stand alone 'oasis' - it was just me with luxury and the country. Now, its me and the city AND most people would probably NOT even call this a city. Yikes.

I am out of my comfort level.   I am out of my box. I had great comfort. I was in a great 'box'. I am happy to see how other people are living and living well. It's amazing how happy, kind and wonderful many of these people are. I like the ease in which many people live; the ease in which many people think. They are just living their lives the best they know how. It's beautiful for me to see. I feel the individual struggles and, yet, I also feel the connected life force.

There are all walks of life. We create the life we think we are most comfortable in (even when, at times, we do not like it but it is what we know) and even most worthy of. Here, again, our thoughts and where we've been; what we know and who we are affect everything about us. Noone is better than the other. We all have good and we all have not so good. We all want love and we all want to matter.   When we have what we want and feel the best about ourselves, we share this self with the world around us. When we have despair, distrust and feel the worst about ourselves, we share this self with the world around us as well.

So, if we all can come from the best being within and share without -- Who hoo --   WE ALL WIN.

May you come from the best 'being' you are as often as possible.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!