Be U: Dilemmas Begone

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Dilemmas Begone

I'm battling with myself whether to put the real estate link for my beautiful northern home on my blog.  We built it from our dreams; envisioning from the heart; along with hard work and lots of money and time. With a team of good and knowledgeable people (mostly anyway), we were able to make it happen. I have been fortunate to live in a 'paradise' that was built for my family around my disabilities and desire to give great comfort for visitors; family and friends. Everything was thought out from the doorknobs, sink faucets, down to the refrigerator easy grasp handle to the recycle bins that enabled me to throw recycle through a cabinet door out into the garage from inside the house so I wouldn't have to go out in the cold during the winter. The floors have radiant heat so cold would not penetrate the floor. The master shower has 8 wonderful shower heads. I was as comfortable as I possibly could have been. I felt safe, secure and surrounded by beauty. I was very fortunate.   It no longer looks like the house that was mine as I stated in previous posts because of us allowing the realtors to have their way with it and, yet, the wood and the stone are still beautiful to me.

I want to post it because it is my truth, it would make me happy and I believe it's too beautiful not to. It is public knowledge anyway. I hesitate because it releases personal information like the address and the fixed price.   Oh, what's a woman to do!

I'm stuck in this. Many people have different opinions.

I do believe much of our world is in greater fear these days; including me. So much change is constantly bombarding us.   So much information is constantly available to us. Many dark things are coming out more than ever because of our whole worldly connection to each of us as individuals. However, many beautiful things are also being shared. There are many more beautiful and loving people in our world than the negative and dark.  Yet, some people have been so hurt that they continue to bring darkness with them wherever they go. We all have a piece of this in us -- even if it is just from watching scary movies that affect us negatively. (There are scary movies that affect people without harshness because of their ability to just enjoy the scare in the moment and let it go.) Many humans are living in different levels of 'darkness' that are their lives; not a movie at all.

Some humans, very unfortunately, have had very unfortunate lives. I'm thinking that news and other shows seem to have better ratings sometimes the more dramatic they make it. Is this because knowing someone else has it harder, that this allows us to connect to our strength in ourselves that gets us through our own hardship......?   I don't know. I do hope we connect to our own strength just because we can; not because we see others suffer. We all have strength, power, innate knowing that can get us through anything if we can figure out how to tap into it. I believe we can tap into this anytime best by being true to our inner self through love.

I am starting to choose to not watch shows that make me uncomfortable or show violence and hatred. A good edge-of-the-seat movie has always been a draw; yet, because of the movie "JAWS", my swim in the ocean was never the same again. Ha. I loved the movie because of its dramatics.... I dislike the fear in me that I still carry with me today because of it. Mmmmm

So, while I have been staying away from my computer because of this uncertainty and fight within myself, I promised myself I would share my truth and I also know that I am in complete control of my choices. It doesn't always feel this way, yet, in truth, it is very much more truth than not. There are reactions to my choices and this is life living now and living forward.

May you know you have a choice (and choice in your reactions) to live and share your truth lovingly and always. May you choose and react with the best possibilities available to you. May we all create security for ourselves and others as we choose to live our whole best self with one another. This is one of my greatest wishes and dreams.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!