Be U: Out

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Out

I did go out yesterday (ooh) for fun and it was a beautiful sunny, hot day. I opened the moon roof and windows and went on down the street with my music blaring and the wind blowing. YES, it was enjoyable. Yes, I want to do more. Yes, I ended up sitting at a movie theatre watching the latest Tyler Perry movie, "Temptation". A very interesting movie - thought provoking and surprising (just like our current world). He does good work. I love his work. Something about him, I strongly connect to in my soul. I am grateful for his work.

Anyhoo, I drove a bit more after the movie and, bammo, I hit a turtle in it's shell on the highway. Ugh. My car must've been too low to go across him and I heard his shell bang. I felt terrible for this poor harmless turtle. I told him in my mind that I was sorry and I dislike very much that it happened. What's a car driver to do when in fast moving traffic....Yuk

I believe any almost any living thing is beautiful and has a right to its place in life. Call me weird or a 'wackadoodle', I cannot step on a spider or kill a stink bug.   I have to gather them and put them outside to carry on.

We all have our 'stuff', don't we! Mmmmm

So, today, here I am. Alone and able to do whatever I choose. I am in control and no one is around to judge me, want me, change me, compromise with me or need me. It's quite a place I find myself. I am grateful for this temporary aloneness. If I cannot live me now -- I want to say I'm screwed. However, I will say, I'm in trouble if I cannot find things to do and enjoy doing them.

I believe I need this time to learn how to take care of me better and more fully. I have a list in mind such as cranial sacral massage, pedicure, hair, girlfriends, exploring and adventures. I am excited and I will also be out of my box for a bit. I've been inwardly searching for years now and I'm ready to take this ME that I am and bring me out into our world once again. I have an idea of how it will look. I have a great idea that it will feel wonderful.

I'm reminded again that I feel like a 52 year old new born peeking my head out into our world and wanting to go out and dance in the rain; or the sunshine; or the high winds.   I just want to dance! I hope I have the energy. (oh, my human brain)

I was at a massage last week and the woman mentioned to, perhaps, "stop asking why". Just go through my day and stop asking why. I always thought that if I knew the why I could 'fix' things. What if nothing needs to be 'fixed' and we can still choose to smile, laugh, be together and accept what is and learn a better way to move forward as we do so.

A strong person cries as easily as they laugh. A strong person embraces as easily as they fight. A strong person accepts as easily as they judge.

May you allow your 'strength' to carry you forward.

Let the chapters of my/our journey here on earth continue!

What are you going to do with your time today? If you say you have no time, is this 100% true?!?? Mmmmm

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!