Be U: Happy Birthday

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Happy Birthday

It is my birthday weekend this week. I'll be 53 years old. I won't be with my husband and daughter and I have many wonderful friends that are willing to spend this day with me.

My wonderful niece is flying down. There is something going on with her mom - my sister. My sister is a horrible liar and I've heard 'whispers' from her that leads me to believe that she may be wanting to surprise me coming along with my niece.   I would love if she came. I'm having a hard time not knowing. I'm feeling OFF not being able to envision what my weekend will look like. It is my belief that it will be different if my beautiful niece comes alone than if my fabulous sister comes also.

I'm walking my dogs tonight in tears because Little Bear is wanting to go in each and every bush making the leash stick at least 8 times in between tiny, curved branches. She is chasing the geckos and this is her new found game that puts me on edge. Yikes.

In the past (long ago), I have purchased and worn new outfits for my birthday. This time around I'm uncomfortable with being center of attention and I don't really want to make it a big day.... Although, of course, IT IS!!   Ha.

My brain is playing silly games on me. I think this is the me that is torn between what was, what is and where I'm wanting to be.

I feel that I've usually just gone with the flow and knew that I could trust myself to be okay with whatever comes my way.   I'm not feeling this now or in the past few years. I'm scared that I will not be able to handle or have enough energy for whatever comes my way. This is not a fun place I am finding myself.

And, I will embrace and walk onward and through.   So, anyhoo, I just sent a text to my sister asking her for no surprises please.... asking her if she is definitely not coming then.....   I await her answer.

I'm sad to spoil their fun and I'm so unsettled in my own head and life right now that all little things seem huge to me.

Like I mentioned earlier - even walking the dogs is getting to me because my head is comparing how easily it was to go outback in my lovely backyard and just throw the toys whenever I wanted to instead of putting leashes on and having to deal with 'outside' issues. (can you imagine?!? oh my) Of course, I didn't do this in the winter. There it's seasonal; here it is not.

So, while I've gotten good at 'knowing' what is accurate, the 'feeling' part of me still holds on and is slower to process and accept the truth of what is.

This is how I'm 'knowing' and 'feeling' just now anyway.   Oh the burdens of having my human brain. lol

"In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you." Buddha

I am not feeling very graceful in this moment.

May you know gracefulness in allowing yourself to let go of the old and receive, perhaps completely, anew.

Good things lie ahead. Of this, I am certain. Actually, good things are here right now today. It's getting my head (thoughts) positive to see the greatness of each present moment.   Like Eckhart Tolle has reminded us - "Be Here Now".

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!