Be U: Home

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Home

I'm here at my current 'home' feeling stuck between what I knew and who I was to what I know and who I am and wondering where do I go from here. I have 'traveled' much these past few years and I have learned, experienced, and recreated many of my own thoughts. I feel I have achieved connecting to who I am on the inside and living this on the outside. I feel connected to myself on a deeper level than I've ever known.

While I feel happy, content and like I've achieved my ultimate goal, I thought achieving this would feel different than it does. While I'm enjoying this new connection with myself, I'm also feeling irritable at not using the new me to live fuller and touching others' lives and sharing happiness and laughter.

I have seen many people close to me become more aware of their own lives and their own choices and I've seen beautiful moments and enlightened connections they have with others and with me. It's extremely brilliant and exciting and I'm grateful to witness and experience these moments and to also hear about some of them. Sometimes they give me goosebumps; these connections that are so real and create such fulfillment in the relationship. This is HUGE and creates much happiness for me.

I've had a very lazy day today and I find myself feeling sorry for myself being alone (which is what I've created) and bored.

I'm knowing that feeling bored is good because it will create me to do things differently so I will not be bored in the future. And, right in this moment, being bored doesn't feel too good to me!

I'm finding it harder to write with where I am because it is new to me; it is uncomfortable even. I think the discomfort comes from lack of understanding and some uncertainty because I am so 'new' to myself. Eh gad.

So, in reality, I'm feeling it all. I'm feeling the freshness and the staleness. I'm feeling contentment and discontentment. I'm feeling excited and scared. I'm feeling alone and connected. This being human and experiencing much of what a human can experience is quite the challenge for me.

So, I guess, I'm kind of in a limbo. I'm caught between the person I was and what do I do with this person that I have evolved into.

We are all evolving whether we do it consciously or not. We all feel many human experiences and feelings. Sometimes we run or numb ourselves from these feelings. Sometimes we ignore them. Sometimes we let them go through us.

It is a choice that we can choose to make consciously. I have let many of my stuck emotions go through me these past several years and I am, for lack of better words, 'clean as I can be for today' and ready to imprint consciously and intelligently more life experiences on this being that is me as I travel the path that I'm here to travel.

I did not think I could get any nuttier! I was wrong! Ha.

May you live consciously and create your day to leave the people and yourself whose paths have crossed in a happier place than before you made contact.
Yeah, good luck with that... and it is possible if you are open to it.

Beautiful Photo taken from Facebook page

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!