Be U: Marketable

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Marketable

My beautiful 'paradise' is on the market. We are selling it. The sales representative apparently 'staged' the house as to make it the most marketable it can be. We were able to let them do this because I am currently not living in it. They put my house exactly how they wanted it with our permission.

The pictures are in my email inbox. I cannot get myself to look. This beautiful paradise that was mine; that I created from a land with only trees on it; that I put my soul and spirit, elbow grease and everything I am into it -- is being sold. I want to sell it. I knew when I was creating this home that it would not be the last place I would live in AND I am amazed by the not-so-happy (Mmmm) reaction I find myself having now that it is officially on the market.

I named this home Shambala - sanskrit for a place of peace and harmony for all living creatures. It was my love with my husand that created this phenomenal, one of a kind resort home. Now, we give it up.

I am now calling the house 1632. I am telling myself that "Shambala" is wherever my husband and I are. We are shambala. 1632 is just a house.   I believe this and some of my cells have not caught up to this belief yet.

I am so grateful to have known this experience; to have been fortunate enough to build this home and live there for as long as we did.

There is always good. There is always not so good.

This is where I sit today.   Right in the middle, deciding which road to believe in and move forward with. Yikes.
--
As I do this, we are also placing my high class, beautiful and elegant 92 year old aunt who has been among many of my posts in hospice care. (She'd be very happy with this description of her!) She has lost the battle with the physical self. She has had a heart attack and has renal failure. I have been dealing with this for a few days and I wanted to honor her and my silence of same is one way of honoring her. It is okay to have some private matters in one's life. It is not okay or helpful (to me) to not be true to what is.

So, as I sit with my Pennsylvania home on the market and the inevitable loss of my loving aunt, I am in a place of loss, sadness, feeling alone, feeling unsettled and grief.

If I were to look for the good in it.... My aunt has had 92 wonderful (91 really - the last year has been hard on her) years that she lived the way she wanted to live. She was never married, never had children, worked til she was 72 from the age of 17 and provided for herself beautifully; traveled the world; loved me and all of her family (and we her) and was 'too young for a retirement home' at the age of 92. She is loved by many. I am honored to call her my aunt and to have known such a brilliant, independent, strong, caring woman. One of her favorite sayings was "This too shall pass". I just want her suffering to stop. I want her to have her dignity back and to be relaxed and know as much peace as possible. This is what I know hospice can provide for her last days here on Earth as a human being.

Good side of the house sale - This I am choosing to compare when I'm a bit less tired because I mentally have had enough for today.

So, while everything is marketable in this world - people's genius', houses, events, items, and even words -- careful what you wish for..... be happy for today.....   and trust the process of change and of life.

May you know your true brilliant marketability and never sell yourself short.   Ha.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!