Be U: Paradise

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Paradise

My home in Pennsylvania, USA, was my paradise for the last 15 years. The last 10 years were magical and heavenly.  However, the last 4 or so, I started to tire of the upkeep of such a magical oasis. I forgot how to enjoy it and I mostly walked around and only saw what attention it needed; what needed to be repaired and which professional needed to be called to complete the work. AND, I was so blessed and fortunate to have help whenever I needed it.

I knew I didn't want to live in Pennsylvania for the rest of my life from the beginning. I knew I belonged in Florida. So, after much debate, a very hard decision and a very difficult time letting go, we decided to put this home on the market.

On the market it is.

It just so happened that while I was away here in Florida, the house was given over to the realtors who 'staged' it. I was sent pictures last week and I almost had the big one! I did not recognize my own home. It had been painted, reorganized, reestablished and what was once in my bedroom was now in my dining room and what was once my massage room was a different room altogether; and what was once a house that had been through feng shui, my own personal journey and love of decorating, was no longer my vibrant, peaceful, calm, inviting and loving home. I now saw it as cold, sterile and 'dressed' in a way that made no sense to me.

I went off. I was hurt to the deepest of my being. Not because this was done so much but because it was done without me knowing. OUCH OUCH OUCH I was told nothing 'drastic' would occur without my knowledge.   I now have learned that my 'drastic' can be different from others.

So, I've been dealing with this and trying to watch the sales video and it took me at least 12 tries before I was able to get through it without feeling great anger and betrayal. I felt an abandonment issue all over again. I never voiced such harsh, unloving words and great fear and pain as I have in these last few days.

While doing just this... I also knew that I was overreacting, it wasn't done to me but for me and it was done from a place of love and goal setting. It did not FEEL this way. My brain knew that it was not meant maliciously; my heart, soul and cells would not allow this truth to settle in. I chose to need to be angry and hurt and I allowed the feeling of forced abandonment to be plentiful throughout my being. I do know that these people did the best they knew how in the circumstance they were given and with what and how they were feeling. It still sits 'wrong' to me, however.

I have learned that it is not the situation so much as my reaction to the situation that is my truth. I've known this for a while, however, the experience of it is much different than just knowing it. Ha and Yikes

So, as I sit here writing this today, there are still some cells that hurt and mostly, I know that this happened in the only way possible with the circumstances, the pain of others and the way we were approaching the whole issue.

We learned. We learned BIG. It was not a fun learning and I'm not sure why I had to learn it and I am still trying to figure out how to let that go and move forward.

I feel the harshness in the world just now.   I see people crying in cars; people telling me they are crying while exercising; people reporting to me that they are at their lowest of all time. I know this is the hardest winter I ever spent as an adult.

AND, YET, I say that this, very possibly, is a great time to dig deep and ask ourselves to show ourselves who we really are; what we really need and where we really WANT to go from here.   I also see and know people doing this.  (hip hip hooray) I believe everything we need is already inside of us. We only need to choose to tap into it. Be open to hear and really listen to ourselves; to trust that we will be here for ourselves and believe in ease of survival, no matter what or who comes our way.  I'd love us to believe in paradise through love of self and others.

May you connect to the paradise within first and foremost. I believe without this; we cannot be truly and fully kind to others. When we are lost ourselves, who are we giving to others?

Many have gotten quite good at sharing anger, hostility, blame of others.   I'd love to see myself get better at truth, love, and how I can change the way I think to create a better today. I'd love for you to experience same as much as possible. Let's get on this; paradise awaits. Your 'paradise' that is who YOU are today is already yours. Dare you go here?

All we have to be is us; perhaps our answers are built in this.  Just be you.   What if this truly was your answer to everything? How simple and lovely and yet how complex the human brain can make it....   Mmmmm

I walk forward. I hope you walk forward in your own way.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!