Be U: Ch Ch Ch Changes

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Ch Ch Ch Changes

I'm very sleepy today. I took a nap and it felt wonderful. I'm trying not to buy into my habitual guilt in allowing myself a nap and, even perhaps, moreso, to feel wonderful. Mmmm

I think I hear voices that are not my own in ......(something is stopping me here in my tracks)

It's very interesting how my mind won't let me process, currently. My mind won't find the words to what I think I want to express.

I haven't been eager to blog. Is it because the greatest change of all is upon me and with this change comes stagnancy of just being with what I am; what I know and who I'm becoming?

This 'great change' is the new me. Allowing all my hard work, experiences, findings and contemplating to create the change of not being afraid to step up and share the real and true me always; and in each and every moment.

Every encounter I am having is a fresh, new encounter. It is not habitual. It creates a new opportunity to do better (or worse) and create the world that I want to be surrounded by. This is no easy feat. This has been no easy ride.

It has been exciting. It has been informative. It has been life altering. I have been blessed to discover the truest of self (or so it feels so most of the time).

It isn't and wasn't easy to look and see what I created and invited into my life on my own accord. It isn't always pretty to look at the truth of what surrounds me because of my own thinking and decisions. It was life-draining energy to let go, rebuild and allow a new life to be formed and presented from within. I think that I did this.

Do I have a clue as to what to do with it or where it's going? Not really. I do know I look at and see each situation through loving eyes and an open heart. This is huge and because it's me and what I wanted, it feels natural. Not a piece of cake, but natural.

May you allow your natural instinct to take you on the ride that is knocking on your door to get underneath you and create the you that is yours for the taking.

I must be possessed or on drugs or sleep deprived or something..... Where do I come up with this stuff? My inner being is saying one thing and my judgemental mind can be harsh and critical. The fight within is real. When I let this judgement go..... is this when I truly win?

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!