Be U: 5 Yrs Old

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

5 Yrs Old

My five year old self is very present today. She's been here for several days. I am presently feeling like a child and very child-like.

I feel scared and left out. I feel frightened and unwanted. I went so far as to say to myself, "I feel like a 5 year old". When I took it yet another step (that perhaps many would not), I asked what happened when I was 5? The answer was....My brother was born.

So, at the age of 5 some of the attention I was getting from my parents had to go to the newborn. Me, as an adult, realizes this and agrees and can understand it. Me, as a 5 year old cannot.

So, my 5 year old self (and I believe if you've been five - you have one too! - ha) felt unwanted when my family set the table for everyone but me (guest included) after being told I was not going to eat tacos, which is what was being served. Oh my - this is a terrible fate for some five year olds. For my 52 year old self, I knew that I had the power, knowledge and ability to get myself something to eat and sit right down there with them. But, nooooo. I allowed my 5 year old self to paralyze myself and just pout and hide; which is most likely what I did when I truly was 5. Anyone following me here? Ha.

So, after discussing this subject AND this subject being the last thing I wanted to discuss... I feel that I did not react the way that was best for me. I wish I would have stated that I was feeling left out and wanted to sit and eat with everyone. Or better yet, perhaps, I could have chosen to just sit right down and eat what I brought to the table with me. OR just sit right down and join them, whether I ate or not.... if this is what made me happy.

I did say 5 years old, remember.....

So, for next time (and there better not be a next time!), I know how to react in my best interest. I know my family loves me. I know they would want me to sit with them. I'm sticking with this story from now on.

May you choose the story that makes you feel best especially if you have a choice between two correct stories.

One, the family did not set a plate for me; Two, the family did not set a plate for me because they knew I didn't like what they were having and they would've still loved for me to join them. DUH OK 5 year old, you had to add the "DUH", didn't you!?!?!?!?!?!

What is my world coming to....

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!