Be U: Reach High

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Reach High

Without reaching for it, it would be hard to achieve it.   If I do not try to do better, it won't happen. It doesn't always happen when I do try. Oh - where I'm at!.....

My head spins wanting to fight the truth of my mouth misery. I want to 'will' it better. I can only try.

I'm finding that (or is it my imagination?) when I am just about ready to act on change, my body tells me different. It tells me I'm not ready. The world isn't ready for me. Let's face it - I'm scared to be in the workforce world!!!! I am not the person I was when I was last ventured out banking on myself and working hard and sharing life. I am a different being. In truth, I am more the person I was born as. However, the confidence of this person is not the same as the person I created to show to the world in the past. Not yet, anyway.

I have a new persona; a new direction. I know differently now than I did then. In truth, I'm weaker (MUCH) physically. AND, it was a lot (a lot) about the physical last time. Hey, it's what I sold; what I did for a living. It was glorious for me and to me. The fitness field was my passion.

Now, I know different (for me anyway). I know that, while having a strong physique is a most beautiful gift to oneself, life is also about connecting to our internal self, stretching the mind and opening the soul to the world.   Living one authentic self in a depleted body is more real than living one strong, svelte self in pretense of what ails one. (oh, I do not want to go here)

Yet, this is what I did.  If I hurt a finger or my hands were cold and purple, I would continue on. I would ignore what what going on within me and I would continue on. I did not let it stop me, change me or phase me. If I wanted to do 100 leg lifts, then I would do 100 leg lifts. I wouldn't tap into the body saying, Stop, take a breather. It worked for me then. It does not now.

So, just because I've been doing something all my life doesn't mean it 'should' still work for me now; that it is, without a doubt, the thing I need to continue on doing because it's what I know and what has previously worked for me. Just because I always enjoyed and and did it this way; well, today life is different.   I am different. Life changes.   People change. I changed.

I remember someone asking me decades ago, if I was the same person today as the person I was when I was very young. At that time, I answered, "no way". Today, I answer, "I am undoubtedly the person I was when I was little". I am connected to this person; this person resides within me - her and I are one. I left her for a long time. I couldn't take and feel and deal with her pain. I now have taken and felt and dealt with her pain. The pain is still a part of me, yet, the pain is extinct. I have felt it and let it go. My guess is that I probably could tap into it from time to time if something triggers it or reminds me of it. However, I have processed it and it doesn't contribute negatively in my decision making.

I thought when I achieved this, I would heal my body.   I would no longer have physical signs of the internal pain that I once had buried deep inside. Part of me believes I did heal. Part of me believes my hands have more blood flow; more life. I'm waiting for my fingernails to grow. Only time will tell.

Yet, why do I suffer with my mouth now. Why am I not healing from the dental work. What more is there I need to learn to be free of pain; free of suffering on a regular basis.   I am totally, totally wiped out from suffering. If I chose, I could most likely let it embody me and disintegrate me.

Hope is the strength that keeps me going. Hope is the joy that I feel to know and connect to others through. Hope is the breeze within me that will not quit. I have hope that I will feel good and strong one day - one day soon.

Til then, I pray that hope keeps supporting me and challenging me and guiding me to a more fuller, present, open, and more alive 'me'.

Talk about reaching high!  I might as well go for it all. If I don't reach for it - I have no chance at all of getting it.

May you reach for what you want. It's okay.   The 'want' is there for a reason. Wouldn't it be a hoot to get it?

This is a picture of the pond with the sky reflecting on the water.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!