Be U: How to Word It

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

How to Word It

I'm not sure how to put into words what I am feeling this past week. I'm off kilter and feel sad. I have hope in my heart and heaviness in knowing all the struggles that many are going through just now, including me.

My dentist trip is over, for now. I have rebuilt bone and cosmetic artificial gum in my mouth. Oh, technology. AND, what I buy into. It's a heck of a thing and yet I'm grateful for the choice.

My mouth is sore, I cannot chew much food for 7 days (some diet) and should be all healed in 3 months. Wowza.

I feel sorry for myself at times and wish I would just wake up with a song in my heart and dance in my step. Wish I knew the answers and, even better, how to live them. I wish I could take pain from everyone and give peace to all.

This is not my truth. I can listen, talk, suggest, do - I cannot take your pain. You can listen, talk, suggest, do - you cannot take my pain.

In truth, we really cannot live each other's lives or pain for them. I do believe the pain we do have, we have the answer for (it may not be the one we want) and will be okay no matter what. In truth, we are okay no matter what. Somethings hurt, hurt deeply. Sometimes we humans feel like there's not another step in us. Sometimes we are so lost, we can only be in our loss.

We have all known wonderment. We have all known great happiness at one time or another. We have all known great sadness if we live long enough.

I wish I could take all these chaotic challenges and create peaceful wins. I cannot. What if where we were right now, in this moment is a win for us. What if, right now in this moment, we are where we are supposed to be to get us ready for the tomorrow we will live. What if what I was going through was getting me ready to be a better me tomorrow. I can still live today. Not always sure I want to do the day, but I can if I choose to. This is true for all, I believe.

I am down, but not out. I'm sad but know that there are fantastic things on this earth of ours to see and do. I am confused but know that I won't always be. I await full circle change as I get on with my day.

I don't really even know the goal or message in this post. I'm not sure there is one. I'm just sharing me in hope that there are connections to be made to strengthen all of us; each and every one of us that is here together at the same time.

I know I've lost my 'auto-pilot' several years back; just going about my day not even thinking about what I'm doing. I'm not sure what this means. I'm thinking many are on auto-pilot. No judgement, just possible. It sure felt easier, yet, I'm wondering how much I just let go by. There are so many ways to do this thing called 'living'.

Wherever you are, may you fly as high as you can and trust that, even in darkness, light does come.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!