Be U: Awareness

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Awareness

We, as a people, are so much more aware of what is real in our world. Or is it just me? Perhaps, I've been blind and shut eye to it. I've ignored what wasn't right in my small area of the world.   Yet, even in my small area, I've been blind.   Mmmmm

Awareness is leading the way for many and, even though it feels and is quite difficult at times, I believe that GOODNESS, even GREATNESS will be exhumed and grow as we share our truth of what and who we are and what we know.

I'm finding it difficult to write. I'm now, maybe, even more aware of what Im writing and questioning (and not judging it too kindly with openness) whether or not it's ok to write my truth.

Some wonderful lady once asked me how I can put it all out there and write like I do. My answer was that I am overly anxious to let my fingers fly with what is inside of me and I know I'm being true so it has to be ok.

I'm not overly anxious anymore probably because some shame and fear is sneaking in. I will prevail for now.

My mouth is healing much slower than the professionals thought. However, in fairness, they do not really know my truth. They know I've been diagnosed with scleroderma.   They are not aware, perhaps, of what that can truly mean.   So, I'm still eating eggs and oatmeal and pudding and althought the discomfort is present, it is different. One day at a time. One meal at a time.   It's only been one week.

I still feel much confusion and I cannot pinpoint why.   There is positive change I am seeing and there is also change I'd like to happen that I do not currently see. I still see suffering and hardship. I take on others 'stuff'. I'm great at it.   I'd like to be empathetic and choose not to own their suffering with them. I'm working on this. Perhaps, I just answered the question, 'Why am I confused?" Ha.

May you be aware with gentleness, kindness, openness and a willingness to try to understand another's life that is foreign to your own. May you be gentle on yourself as you become aware of things you know you want to change about your own life.

I hope we choose to carry on with awareness and change with gentleness of ourself and one another. I know it can be done, I live it every day. I don't know it all of the time, I am working on this. For those that like it rough, can it be a rough gentleness?! Ha. (Talk about an oxymoron.)

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!