Be U: Where I'm At

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Where I'm At

I'm hurting some. My fingers have sores and my body is weak and muscles are aching. I'm moving SOME each day and I believe this is my saving grace. I either dance, walk in place and move each muscle group, do house/yard work, or light weight resistance. I'm not proud that I cannot do more and be totally strong and, yet, where I am is where I need to be today. I need to believe this to know peace. My body is very weighed down and many people I love are hurting or suffering or both.

I truly do believe that our world is changing as many of us just functioned and just lived without participating in full betterment and went about our days. I believe balance will start being easier to achieve and goodness will start springing up and planting itself in and all around us. I do see signs in it with some of my loved ones.

Many are changing either jobs, careers, locations and/or just laying down a new game plan for their future.

I am fighting myself and one minute, I'm calm and cool; the next minute I have anger and stress throughout my body and mind. I am running through the gamut of emotions regularly. I believe my anger comes out of being afraid.

I am mostly unfamiliar to anger. I almost never allowed myself to feel it or show it. Well, yesterday was not this way. I looked in the mirror and told myself that what I was feeling is real and to feel it and process it and show it in my face even. That my face is allowed to show emotion because I was noticing how frozen it looked. I told myself that whatever emotions I am feeling are here within me for a reason; I'm not making the feeling up. I trust that I know what I need and feel. I told myself I really think I am lovable and kind and that I am here to help others connect to their love of self. It's a beautiful and exciting thing to me.

So, wherever you are at - please honor it, own it and process through it.

May you look in the mirror and really see the you that is with you always; as you are today. May you tell yourself how special and how much you love yourself and whatever else you want yourself to know. Even if you already know all of this, may you say it aloud as you look in your own eyes. just a thought.

May you be open to live, share and breathe all that you are.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!