Be U: Eye Opener

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Eye Opener

I believe I gave up some situations, opportunities, and passions in the belief that I was protecting and enabling my family's lives to be better. I believe I am very aware not to say negative things about others, including my husband, so my daughter makes her own decisions on who and what they are about. I believe I've protected both from problems, worries and situations that I don't like to deal with, worry about or be in. Have I not been the real ME in the process?

Has it worked? Have I made their lives better thinking and acting this way? Have I provided more opportunities for them while giving up my own? I don't know if this is the case.   I don't know if this is true for them. I always thought it was. I'm thinking differently just now.

I do know that I feel I gave up things that I would not have given up if they were not in my life. (I do believe this is true for most, however, the level may be the important thing here.) I believe I did it for them. Is this true? WOWZA. I'm starting to think I did it for me; because this was my belief on the way things 'should' be in a family.

I'm thinking this is like giving a gift. I give a gift because it makes me feel good; it's something I want to do. I feel happiness or righteous giving to others. The other person may or may not like it or even want it. If I love it, it makes me feel happy. Hopefully, the recipient will love it too; however, I can't ever be 100% unequivocally certain how they feel.   I do know how I feel. If I'm protecting someone by me always picking up the dog poop or cancelling my appointment; am I protecting them or am I creating an untruth. And, this does not always feel 'happy'. In fact, I feel angry at times. Oh, this is so huge for me.

What if me giving up things I love and want to do only affects me. What if me giving up and waiting around to see what others want and need is not having the positive affect on the other person like I think it is. What if I'm thinking I'm there for them and it truly doesn't affect their life in the way I think it does. What if me giving up my self is only affecting me; and negatively at that. What if me thinking that they need me in this way is arrogant and, worse, hurting them and me.

OH MY. What a revolution! So, by me not being true by holding back or holding in and by me not being true to myself totally does not help others. Me not living the me that I so desperately want to live is hurting the people that I most want to help!

This comes from me thinking that showing excitement when Daddy comes home to my once little daughter and having her run to him like he is the most special man on Earth; or not going out with a friend in case a family member needs me; not spending $ on something that makes me feel happy so someone else can spend the $ --   what if this is all dishonest and fake. What if this is what keeps me sick. Oh, I'm on to something here and it doesn't feel UNfoolish at all. In fact, I'm so baffled and freaked it's crazy.

IS this the part of me that I so desperately am missing? Is this why my ears are ringing because I'm not listening to my inner voice? I'm listening to this outer voice that tells me being a mom and wife are about being there for your family WHENEVER they need you. So I wait. Is this why I get such agitation from them at times. My untruth they feel--they do not want any part of it. WOWZA WOWZA WOW

Something here is making me feel real foolish. Something here, I so want to resist because what if I have been doing it wrong. I have been waiting around in case they need me. I have been saying no to myself so I could be here for them. I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS TO MYSELF.   Ouch - deep breath. A TOTAL MIND BOGGLE.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

I feel this in every cell in my body. This is what I will be doing today. Allowing this to process and see where I end up.

May you be with just your self, your thoughts. May you be connected to what makes your soul sing. May you be open to the possibility that there just might be a better way for you...and your family because of it.

I totally believe that being who I really am on the inside - out in the world - is best for me, for you and for our world.

I totally believe that being who you really are on the inside - out in the world - is best for you, for me and for our world.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!