Be U: NeverEnding Life Lessons

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

NeverEnding Life Lessons

Wow. What a morning I chose to have! Not fun. My head and thoughts were all over the place. My breathing was labored and shallow. I had a 'freak out'! Ha!

By this I mean, I felt like I had way too much on my plate. I had filled my plate so full, that all I wanted to do was shut down and hide from it, run far from myself. Not face the reality of what I was living; what I created.

My mind wouldn't think calmly or rational even. I saw myself doing things that really meant nothing to me at all. That even made me want to swear. Some silly things like trying to raise up the tomatoes from the ground that were very heavy and annoying to me. (I didn't plant a tomato plant; it just showed up - I don't even eat tomatoes) Yet, here I was trying to keep them healthy and beautiful. Why. In case someone else would enjoy them. How did I know anyone would. Assumptions are not the clearest way to go! I hope to ask before I assume from now on. Outcome may just work out much easier and better.

I saw myself walking in circles wanting to stop and turn off and yet pushing through and getting jobs done that were on my mind.  I was sporadic at best.

I felt like I couldn't cope and yet I knew deep down that it was just my old way of feeling and dealing with life. It felt so powerful, so out of my control, BUT this time I knew it wasn't. This time I knew I didn't have to be like this.

I decided to be really brave and look at the reality of everything that was either on my mind or bothering me (which probably is one and the same at this point). I realized it was my mind telling me my reality. It was not the facts. Okay, some of the facts I was looking at were not too pretty. But, when I truly looked at everything in front of me (while fighting through the dizziness and the stomachaches and my heart pumping), what I realized was it was time for me to re-evaluate my life, my goals, my past decisions that I'm still living even though they do not give me peace today.

So, it's time for me to re-evaluate my life! How exciting (I think). Time to change my story. I'll try taking one thing at a time, looking at it, being honest about it and looking at the options and other possibilities that WILL bring me peace and put smiles back on my face. I will ask for help from the people that are involved in this old decisions. I will ask for help from the people that are on the same ride as me to seek new and better ways and decisions. Hopefully, they are going to be with me a long time, so why not ask them to create a new and better way for all of us.

Very interesting to me indeed. I had a freak out this morning. But, quite possibly, for the first time in my life, I also watched myself having the freak out. I watched myself maneuvering around somewhat blindly and believing in falsehoods that pulled me into places I didn't enjoy for a second. Places I no longer wish to go.

I seek peace and happiness and togetherness. I will try to live my life seeking these things. Possibly, the most mind-boggling thing for me to do.   I want to say   'If it IS broke, fix it!'

" Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain."

How would you like to go through your next freak out or storm? Do you participate fully and let it run you? Or is it possible to also watch yourself and see what is really going on?    Good luck. I'm cheering for you!

If you don't have a freak out this week - good for you - you are way ahead of me.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!