Be U: Connection and Connectiveness (is this a true word?)

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Connection and Connectiveness (is this a true word?)

Well, I have been up alot of the night with thoughts on this one scattered throughout my brain. I just started reading "Get Ready to Live" by Scott A. Rossell (I believe his wife is part of this book too) and its talking to me about finding my life's purpose. He tells us to come up with words that describe ourselves and also a list of things we love to do. What came up for me most was I love feeling connected. Connected to people, places, animals, and things.

I see Oprah's commercial on her last season coming where it says what everyone wants; we all want to just feel connected.

I am realizing that this is very true for me. From my family, friends, dogs, birds, fish that are my pets to the worm I pick up off the dry pavement and place in moist grass to the mice in my house that I use a no kill box to capture to place them outside to the moths from the birdseed that for the longest time I didn't 'bat' with my hand to the stink bug that I pick up with a paper towel and put outside (yes, I live in the woods). I love my colored stone collection; my Coach pocketbooks, my Lady Lanel sandal collection, my belt collection. (Is this one reason name brands can be so popular - a connection to a popularly recognized company even.) I connect with all of this. I have sayings on stones, walls, plaques to help me feel connected.

I always try to befriend my hairdresser, the massage therapist, the doctors and contractors. I go as far as hoping that my 'shrinks' are enjoying the sesssion with me and that they are learning as well! I always try to make the clerk, the toll booth collector, the service staff, the flight attendant smile. I always say good morning or hello to the person biking past me as I walk my dogs, a person I see shopping next to me; alongside me in lines; I wave to the construction person holding the STOP or SLOW signs on the road.

I did a ceremony just last week to connect with angels. I carried a Queen Anne Lace flower that I picked while walking my dogs while holding two leashes so I could get home and mail it to my 90 year old aunt who I think may be lonely. I have another envelope ready to be mailed with 1980 pictures of a friend for her to enjoy. I have a bag of stuff for another friend who may be in need.

Oh, yes, it's important and almost imperative, I suppose, for me to feel connected. I'm sure I'm leaving some of my 'connectiveness' out. I imagine the picture is getting quite clear, however.

And, then with alot of this going through my mind, at 4 am this morning, I realize I am paying more attention to everything and everyone else - connecting with them, treating them tenderly BUT how am I doing connecting to myself; treating myself tenderly. NOT SO WELL.

When I am alone in my house, I may still be feeling anxiousness because in my head I am not alone. I have many other people and things with me in my head. (and I've read The Power of Now twice and it has helped me nicely!)

I'm realizing that I want to do a better job at connecting to how I feel, what I'd like to do for myself, how I can feel like I'm being treated with tenderness and love. I immediately go to the word selfish. However, in the first-mentioned book, he states to think of it as self-ing and not selfish. Hey, I think I like this!

I know that if I can't feel these things for myself - no one is going to be able to give them to me.

So, again, is it the balance that is most beneficial. I'm proud of myself for caring and loving and feeling other peoples lives. I am not proud how I have disregarded myself. I'm thinking if I could get a better balance on giving to myself and giving to others, I just might be onto something positive and enlightening even.

This is most definitely a work in progress. I have no questions to ask of the reader on how they are doing in this regard. I hope balance is in your life clearer and firmer every day. I think balance may be the most evasive and one of the most beneficial things in our human lives.

People have recently stated to me that they know "1/4 of what goes on with me" ; that I "never stated that before", that they would like to "hear about my struggle" (the one I've been talking to them [i think] since January about).

I thought and felt like I've been an open book. Is this coming from me not connecting to myself and this is why I am hearing for the first time comments like this.

Wow O Wow.

The life story continues......our life story always continues - until it doesn't.

Okay, now I'm tired! Whew!

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!