Be U: As I Sit

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

As I Sit

As I Sit here alone in the early evening with dark skies and rain threatening, I wonder what great words of inspiration and true spiritual growth I can write in hope that some one person will hear it and smile.

Today some of my focus is on relaxation of my body and my mind. Are my shoulders tense; is my back tight; are my legs and feet supported by the ground or by engaged muscles.

My mind - is it here typing these words or is it on the pencil falling on the floor as Tiffany, my 4 lb. Yorkie, drops it from her mouth to get my attention in hope to play. Is my mind on my sister, my husband, my daughter or can I have it be here, right now in this moment. In this moment where everything in my life is okay.

The quiet in my home is so loud, I can hear my tinnitus (ringing in the ears) that as Louise Hay says is a sign of not listening to my inner voice. I get several signs to remind me that I am not listening to my inner voice, yet it sometimes is such a whisper because I have forsaken it for far too long.

I so want to be able to hear my inner voice, my inner knowing and respond appropriately; accordingly.

For 20 years now, I have wanted to bring inside of me outside of myself. To know how to share the real me without being scared of ridicule or abandonment.

Lately, I have been daring to do just this and it's all been okay. Perhaps, I am finally learning how to trust the process of life and myself and just share what I really think, feel and want.

This is how I know my world works best. I would like to dare to continue living my truth now that I have reached outside and dare to go there. I find when I live my truth it helps to enable others in my life to do the same. It is such a beautiful thing.

Are you living your truth in this moment? Are your shoulders relaxed along with your back and legs? Are you showing on the outside what you feel on the inside?

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!