Be U: Made It

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Made It

I made it to CA and all is calm(er) and I am able to let go of my east coast life for the time being. Doing the 'work' there did enable me to be calm here; although I'd like to complete the work in a more loving to myself way! I am anxious regarding the conference. Anxious and excited. My goal is to get through it knowing more than when I arrived and feeling more me as I am leaving. (I have this concern about wanting to fit in and wanting to share happiness. I'll see where this goes.)

Anyway, I met a woman at the airport and I got a little bit of 'enlightenment' from her words that I'd like to share.

Life, maybe, isn't so much about focusing on our circumstances. Perhaps, the circumstances are much less important than the way we see our circumstances. What we tell ourselves may be more important than the actual situation itself. Can it be that if we see our current circumstances differently, this is what can alter our lives. I believe that if we change the way we look at things; we have a much better chance at change. (I'm betting this is where 'if we keep doing the same things; we get the same results' comes from). I know I'm basically saying the same thing over again. However, this is a big one for me.

Is there something that you can think differently about right now? Poof, just look at it and decide there is a better way to look at something and think of it like that.

i.e. I am in control of me; I deserve this; I don't deserve this; I trust the process of life; I am safe.

Again, as much as I'm scared to admit, my head has waves of energy floating around in my brain. I had to go lay down. I get dizzy easily as I'm typing this.

I truly believe my thought patterns are changing and this is the 'waves' I feel in my head as they are 'setting up shop'. The dizziness maybe is the old patterns being broken up and not quite understanding why and wanting the status quo.

This is scary for me and not comfortable and certainly not the easiest thing I've ever done.

However, for almost 20 years, I have been saying I know exactly what I want and what makes me happy on the inside; I do not know how to get it on the outside. Perhaps, I am being brave enough and have had enough suffering and pain; that I am pushed to this. Just say it and voice it and ask for it. Perhaps, I can be vulnerable (even if not fully willing) to show the real me and ask for what I truly want.

Are you ready to try it with me and just see what happens?

For me, it's like having to say "I am safe through love" (from Healing Yourself - Louise Hay) - and not knowing or feeling this anywhere in my person; wondering where I can get connected to this belief. I am choosing to voice it anyway and watch what happens.

For you it may be "I deserve this change", "I am my own person", "I can trust people at my own discretion". Make one up for yourself. Fly high with it!

Good luck - I'm with you.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!