Be U: How to Tell

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

How to Tell

Today is a very lazy day I am having. A pajama day. Haven't had a whole pajama day since I can remember and, o, does it feel fine!

As I am having my pajama day, however, I am feeling some guilt associated with it. Some guilt that I'm not out on this beautiful day enjoying it; that I may not be accomplishing anything worthwhile; worth the day so to speak.

When I ask myself whose voice is saying this - I immediately know it is not my own. My voice is saying kick back, relax, enjoy it, baby yourself. Give in to what you need and want.

So, my question then becomes how do I know if taking downtime is beneficial to me and when it is just plain lazy and maybe even hurtful. WOW. Big question, right. I immediately do not think I even know the answer.

So, I sit quietly here and say to myself - Is this really want I want to do? I say yes immediately. If I could do anything at all; anything that I could imagine, what would I be doing. My answer is - I'd be having a PJ day.

I have to believe, therefore, that I am loving myself in giving this day to myself. I'll be better and stronger and happier and more whole tomorrow for giving this day to myself. And, in doing so, I'll be better for the people in my life. Stronger, calmer, more patient tomorrow because I am giving this gift to myself today.

Now, if I ask myself what else I'd rather be doing and even need to do. And, I come up with anything, anything at all; then I hope that I will choose to do that and follow what feels best in the moment. I hope I can decipher when something really needs to be done. Maybe I can ask myself if it will matter five years from now. Maybe I can know what affect (if any) will happen if I do not do certain things and decide from that.

Sure, there is always something that I can accomplish. There is always something that needs to be done. I have the power and the right and responsibility to pick and choose whatever it is that gets accomplished or doesn't get accomplished that is within my world.

The world will not end and I will not die because I choose to relax and do nothing all day long. And, maybe; just maybe, my world will be a better place because I did stay in my pajamas all day today. I did give myself what I want and all I can say is 'oh, that was good!

I'll get back on the horse tomorrow, so to speak and ride into the sunset then. But, today, I'll just let myself BE. Just be.

Do you ever give yourself time to recharge? What if, just maybe, if you give yourself permission to just kick back and relax and enable yourself to recharge and then, just maybe, you'd be able to accomplish more without stress/frustation and with greater clarity. What if this would allow you to feel more powerful and love just a bit brighter? Would it be interesting to think of down time as a job with the result of enhancing your life?

Only you know what you really need and only you can give yourself permission to accept it.

Picture taken in Saugerties, NY.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!