Be U: Going

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Going

I'm going out for a simple lunch at the mall with a girlfriend; my birthday lunch. One might think I was going to meet Oprah. To just get out of the house and make sure the dogs, bird, wash, doors, contractors are all okay and that I'm dressed FEELS like a whole lot of work to go out.

I'm telling myself it's a long trip; I'm telling myself the bird has to be covered so the sun doesn't shine hard on her; the wash has to be put in the dryer -- I find myself feeling very childish and berated with these thoughts.

I know everything will be okay.   I know I will love it out there in the sunshine, at the mall, with a friend.

Yet, my whole being shakes with anticipation of not being able; not being good enough.   I'm feeling like there is a plentitude of people waiting at the mall for my arrival to judge me.   Ha; not even the person waiting for me at the mall is going to care what I wear or look like. I'm sure she has her own thoughts going throughout her own head.

If this is human, I don't want it.   Ha.   This is humanness of a woman that has struggled with her ability to use her fingers.   A woman who has struggled with pain.   A woman who has been 'in' for the last five years. A woman who has lost her safe and beautiful haven of a home and is living temporarily in an apartment that is set up as such.

I don't find safety in this. Again, just like my home is inside of myself - I now have to 'own' the thought that safety is also inside of myself -- that I can and will handle anything that comes my way.   That if I am happy and fulfilled, those that I love will not banish or be impacted negatively.   If anything, my mind knows that those I love will be impacted positively if at all.   I will be more of a joy to be around if I'm happy, smiling, dancing and laughing because I am ME.

This being human is nothing to disregard or take lightly.   This being human is a challenge and a learning experience.   This being human has many rewards. This being human can kick me right you know where as I'm at the depth of my 'child created thoughts'.

So, as I'm a spastic woman getting ready for an hour or so of ME time, I know that my thoughts are just that - thoughts.   So, I will change them to know that I'm allowed to do what comes peaceful and enjoyable to me and I'm allowed to be peaceful and enjoy it while I do it.

So, there.....    Egad

Craziest stuff ever.    I want to resist this childishness.   It feels stupid   It sounds stupid.   Yet, if I resist it and do not embrace it, I will never change it and I certainly do not want to hold on to these thoughts anymore.

I have the dogs, bird, wash and apartment all taken care of.   They are safe while I go out and 'play'. I am entitled to this and more importantly it is essential for my fulfillment.

And so it is.

May you fill yourself up with all that is real and happy from the deepest part of yourself.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!