Be U: Fish..

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Fish..

Our pond in the backyard of our home up north has recently 'died'. As winter thaws and daffodils and tulips peak out from under the surface of the dirt, dead fish float to the top of the murky water. I am 'done in' with this information. I am beyond sad. I breathe, sit and live as I process this grief and, what to me is horror.

Below is an excerpt from a letter I wrote sharing my loss and sadness over the demise of my beautiful and ever so joyful, relaxing pond. I know I left it to be sold with the house. I was certain that someone would love and cherish it as I did.

I was wrong. It seems like I am learning that I cannot always be right. Although I knew this already, it is getting emblazoned into my being ever so deeply just now. I have a plan, the Universe laughs. The Universe is more 'able' than I. I am 'able' in my ability to deal, feel and know my human self only. I know I am connected to all that is. I do not have the power to change to/through my beliefs and make it so if it is not in the grand plan.

I am in God's plan and hands; not my own. My 'hands' are to experience what is and my mind is to dream, learn and congregate all for this human experience. My heart is to love and feel. Thus far, I have lived spectacular experiences.

"I'm processing huge grief and, unfortunately, I want to blame and I know despair. I'm mad at God because I think I have been such a good person full of kindness and I tell myself that I don't deserve so much sadness, despair and grief.

My husband leaves in one hour. He has been away a lot. He won't be back for 5 days again.

I truly have to figure out me and live me wherever, however, whoever, whatever...

I pray I will and I can.

The fish have done me in. 14 years of feeding, loving, building and enjoying them. Whoosh. Dead. There's 7 alive. Our pond guy feels we had 200. I feel awful for their suffocation. I'd often wake up in the middle of the night to hang and sit with them. I concerned myself about the water level, the occasional heron, the flow of the waterfalls. It was my favorite part of the house. Well. No worrying or loving them anymore. I will always be grateful I had that experience.

And, yes, I had left them anyway. I'm still feeling yucky about the fish. Horrible.

This is another lesson of attachment.detachment.abandonment.

It's all about happiness, contentment, love within and shared without. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Be love.

I let go of love once because it hurt so much to lose it. I don't know where I'm at just now.

Be you well. You are beautiful, you matter and you are enough."

May you be you well. You are beautiful, you matter and you are enough. What you feel is yours to feel -- allow it and be all that you are made of.

Unknown

May you choose to be love, fair, kind, ______ because that is who you are and it feels good inside of yourself to be this way, period. Continue to draw up from who you are to have peace within as you experience outside sources.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!