Be U: Where I'm At

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Where I'm At

I'm back on antibiotics from the small operations I had on my mouth. My mouth is swollen and sore. I cannot eat hard food. This is the third week. The good news is I'm not hungry and my weight has dropped a few pounds. It's always fun for me to drop a few pounds. I will be glad when my mouth feels like mine again.

My nerves are not the calmest. Breathing deep is helping me when I remember and act to do so. I'm still feeling stuck between the world of my home and the work force world. It's okay, it is what it is. I say that because thinking anything else just now is scary for me. I'm looking at places, I have very few feelers out. And, I am closer than I was last week.

My Durby dog (aussie) is losing his footing more each day and I enjoy his company greatly. It's nice that I have this time to be with him and all my animals.

I hear the power washer as I type this. The backyard is getting clean with very strong sprays of water. It's a great thing. It's more great that I do not have to do it!

I have many beautiful connections with beautiful people. Many of these beautiful people have struggles just now. Actually, all of us do. Change is strong just now in the world I see. I pray we come on board as best we can and together, instead of apart, create the world that each of us want to live in. If we honor and come from truth and compassion, understanding and acceptance as best we can... well, I would love to see this and be a part of this.

I know many will not understand me. And, if you can just let me be me because it is not hurting you nor is it denying who you are... this is a great start AND vice versa. Until we walk in each other shoes (and this is highly unlikely to happen), may we be open to understanding and allowing acceptance of our 'unknown' to be helpful in the world.

People that are hurting each other are hurting terribly inside of themselves. I believe this. Yes, hurting each other is not the way I want to watch my world happen. If we each come from our own truth, whatever that may be and be able to open up and feel loved in return.... this just may be one answer.

May your portion of the world from within, be about love, compassion, desire to understand and offering of your truth to carry on during your daily life. This may be strange to some, if not many. However, this is where I'm at. I'm desiring to see a better, happier, more together world as I step back into it.

I am asking myself who am I to want this. It is my truth. I guess that's who I am. I am just here on this earth and this is my truth.

What is your truth?

Thoughts I ponder: Should truth feel good? Perhaps, not always good, but always right.. ?? Does it sit deep within us always?

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!