Be U: A Beautiful Dark Day

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

A Beautiful Dark Day

It's as dark as 9 pm at night here and, in reality, it's 9 am. More wonderful rain coming my way. The fish love it, my flowers, trees, and grass enjoy it also. It is a gift from the heavens.

Balancing my mind is forefront on my brain today. Again, keeping the thoughts I need, deleting the thoughts that are hurtful and letting some sit in the back of my head.....

...Ok, this is too much garbage for even me! Today is a great day to live our lives and love what we do and be aware and honor what we do not so that we can move forward to create the life that we know we feel best living.

Luckily in my teens and my 20's, especially, I lived and loved everyday. I woke up excited and went to bed happy and content. I did what made me feel good. I worked a full time job that I loved and got paid well for and worked a part time job at night doing data entry during the week in the winters. In summer, I worked Monday thru Friday and every weekend I headed to the shore and parked my car and walked, jogged and danced the weekend away. Everything was easy for me to live me. I had no other 'people' in my head. I had great friends and good co-workers. I did me, though. People knew not to ask me for a party or anything if it was the weekend and it was not at the beach.

Now, I have 'others' in my head. And, in truth, most of them do not want to be there! They'd prefer I'd let them be.

So, how do I get back in my own head with just myself and get my 'me' on again. I do not know. I feel guilt even saying it. I feel 'bad' or 'wrong'. These are the thoughts that I want to delete from my brain forever. I don't want to have one cell in my body thinking that if I do what makes me happy that others will be left out or hurt or alone. I know this is not the truth in a big part of myself. I have to get all of myself to believe this.

Oh, what's a woman to do!

May you feel your way to you and know that with an open heart, this is the most gratifying way to go!

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!