Be U: KNOW and please Don't Forget

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

KNOW and please Don't Forget

I had a doctor appointment today. Pain Management in the southern state of Florida, USA, is not an enjoyable or fun thing for most people involved just now. It feels stressful to me as I have to prove myself every appointment that I am not abusing, selling or lying about any pain medicine or condition that is associated with me.

I have been going to the same doctor's office for just about three years and I still get nervous as I have to bring my pills to be counted and a paper signing my signature and initials about my intent, my use, and my following the legality of same. My mind resists this. In this resistance, I create discord and great discomfort in myself. I know this. It is a lesson waiting to be learned. Ha.

I went in today looking for a change to my regimen as I am more uncomfortable and in pain then previously.

To my delight and inner being, I felt listened to; heard; and was offered some ideas and possibilities to try to support my everyday life living with scleroderma.

I left realizing and remembering the truth of who I am. I am not this dis-ease. I am not without options. I am not looking to become incoherent. I am grateful for this. I am strong. I am knowing. I am honest. I am independent. I am able. I am really cool. I am open to bringing my truth into whatever shows itself. I am capable. I am a woman that lives with a debilitating dis-ease that attacks my body whenever it wants to in whatever way it wants to. I have been living with this dis-ease for over 40 years.

I was at a point this morning where I was forgetting the real me. I let myself get stuck in the pain, ugliness, and confusion. I was feeling weak, beaten and I wasn't connecting to my own true strength.

May you know who you are. May you know the strength, truth, abilities and capabilities of You.

It is in the acceptance and flow of what is that we create and become the best version of ourselves.

May you accept and flow with what shows itself to you and create and become the best version of you.

I was reminded of the Miley Cyrus song "The Climb". We all have to. The climbs are a part of our journey. We all have things in our life that feels like humps, hills, mountains and summits.

Each one of our journeys consists of climbs.

What I want to offer is to not forget who you are at the depth of yourself when these challenging and unwanted situations arise. Stay in knowing who you are. Please don't ever forget the strength you have shown and administered in the past. You are still this person. Your inner strength is always yours even if you forget it from time to time. You were born with it. It is a part of you.

May you know it and please don't forget it; to the best of your ability.

Take this person of strength with you on your climb.

May you open to the natural ease and love within you; especially when you are destined to climb.

Everything is inside of you for whatever your life's journey entails. May you live from who you are; from the inside out.

I believe in YOU. May you give yourself the gift of believing in yourself. I am here to remind you.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!