Be U: Just Going With It

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Just Going With It

I sit here uncertain as to the subject or words that will come out of my fingers from my brain onto the page. Hoot!

It is a warm, with a wee bit of a humid breeze and white cloudy sky to the left and dark blue sky to the right. Clashing of the clouds!

I sit here at the desk looking at the fountain and the orchids outside of my window in my 'secret garden'. I look at the beautiful paintings here in the office with palm trees, pelican, cockatoo and ocean. My Little Bear lays at my feet. I am thankful for the air conditioner. I decided on orange curtains (what?!) on the window as to frame my secret garden.

We painted, and cleaned, and put this new house together pretty fast. It still really doesn't feel like home. I am grateful to have a place to call home and to continue the concept of starting to grow roots here. I have had very little stability as I haven't stay in just one home for a very long time. I am ready.  Yet, as I believe I won't be here too long as my dream to watch the sun come up over the ocean and set over the intracoastal waterway of Florida; I cannot do it here.   It is my plan to stay here until my daughter graduates college and then it is my hope to live on the beach; probably in a high rise as there is not much land here on the beach that has single family homes.

Only God/Universe knows for sure where I will end up. I trust the process as I bring my true nature and thoughts into it.

I'm really dealing with unease with doctors and medicine and wanting a professional place whether it be in my home or outside of my home to share all I have learned and to help others who are looking for help to live and breathe their most fullest and best life possible; the life that is inside of them to live. This will happen. I am open to creating it with what shows itself to me for the greatest good of all. It is my wish.

I feel very quiet lately and just wanting silence and 'being' in my own presence.   I hear myself saying that in silence we can hear our self the loudest.

So, as I go to the PhD woman who specializes in addiction; as I deal with my mouth messing with me for unknown reasons and as I try to acclimate and build a relationship with the Florida rheumatologist, I have no idea what truly comes next for me.

Will I stop the medicine...   Will I find my place in the professional world of life coaching/spiritual advisors... Will I be strong enough to put in hours... Will I be pain-free enough to share myself...

I know that I have great, valuable, helpful, loving information inside of me that touches people right where they want to be touched to grow into their best self.   I know that I care with great depth.   I know that through my experiences, lessons, classes and innate knowing I am meant to do this.

So, as the sun sets tonight... As the breeze picks up; as I call it a day because we got a lot of work done with backsplash in the kitchen, I know I want it all.   As 'all' as I can possibly achieve.   I know I want you to have your all.   I know that there are miracles happening everyday. I know there are challenges everyday. I know that our world is in the greatest spot it has ever been to grow in a unified, worldly way. I know I want to be part of this growth and support it with everything in me.

I know the time has come for all of us here on earth now [at this time] to be true to what is because there is nowhere to hide; pretend, ignore or bend in truth...   We are all here Now to walk this walk together and build a new and better tomorrow.   How exciting!

The challenges are going to come. He/She who brings their truest of self to them will be the ones that can permeate the old way to create the most loving way.

The time is now.

May you be open to participate by being the unique person, spirit, being that you are. Bring you out to 'play'. May you let your heart, your innate knowing and your energy live through you and out into this world. Your 'part' matters or you wouldn't be here now.

Interesting.   and I so believe this.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!