Be U: Discouragement

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Discouragement

I am feeling discouraged as an electrician just left and my kitchen high hat lights are flashing when set on low dim. It is like a disco up in here. Perhaps, for a short time, it can be fun and exiting. After this short time, it is annoying and discouraging.

He was also here to fix my fan that is outside and this was not something that was able to be done either.

So, while I have light in my kitchen (as the switch blew); the flashing light look was not what I was going for. On high/bright, the lights are a steady glow. They will stay on high until the problem gets fixed...

We just had a thunderstorm and it is dark and wet; hot and humid. It is like I am looking out with sunglasses on as I look out the window here. It is an eerie glow. It has turned into a quiet, happy storm for the vegetation.

I am home alone this week and I have taken complete advantage of it. Right now, in this minute, the quiet is so loud and the aloneness is a bit lonely. I know it will change. I embrace it as I can.

My dogs will want to walk (or at least the wee one will) and we will wait until the rain passes. I'm still eating chocolate chip cookies from my neighbor and oh my my my my - I can feel the sugar. It is not a calming feeling. Ha.

So, as I walk on; sit tight; get the bills paid and take care of what needs to be done, I keep hearing myself saying 'I am love.'   'I walk in love.' 'I bring my true self and love to each situation.'

I'm addicted to Facebook. I go on it everyday. I am starting to see familiar names and even know the owner's post before reading their name on it.

There are many of us who want to help the world.   There are many of us wanting to grow into the best we can be. There are many of us struggling. There are many of us living in our truth. There are many of us finding this exciting and not simple at the same time.

My cat jumps up and wants attention as I sit here typing. She is adorable and she is annoying.

I am feeling annoyed today and annoyance is not one of my usual emotions. It feels discouraging and uncomfortable.

I honor my feeling of annoyance. I tell myself if I wasn't feeling annoyed, I would not create change. I'm knowing that I want less to do with house and home 'stuff' and want more to do with people and growth situations.

I think this is where the annoyance comes in. I didn't just decide or tell myself to feel this way. I feel this way for a real reason. So, as I am uncertain of exactly what is going on, I am certain that this annoyance is here to talk to me, teach me and propel me into a new circumstance. How encouraging is this... !

May you let your discouragement encourage you! Ha!

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!