Be U: Prescription(s)

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Prescription(s)

Another interesting route that my 'scleroderma life' has encountered recently was that I went in to pick up a Norco prescription. This has to be picked up monthly now as 'the law' says there cannot be refills on a narcotic drug. They had me take a 'random urine test'. Wow. Yes, I felt like a criminal once again. I do understand that they are not making me feel this way, I am creating this from my own thoughts and experiences. They would not give me the prescription unless I adhered to their request. I did so without incident.

I dropped off this prescripton at the pharmacy on Friday. I was called Monday morning saying that it will not be ready until Tuesday afternoon. I'm grateful that I have enough in my possession or this would reek havoc with my body as I am certainly dependant on this drug.

I am feeling more and more like 'they' have control over me and my life and I am feeling more and more that I do not like it... at all.

Upon leaving the doctor office with the prescription in hand, I heard myself saying... 'this is not for me' 'I no longer want to play this game' 'this is another reason for me to no longer be 'sick''. Please God, help me to let go and not need this drug (or any medicine) any more. Let my body heal itself and love itself fully.

This may not be an easy plight I am choosing (really wanting to choose). It is better than having 'them' control who and what I need and am from a drug and health perspective. Huge.

Just more and more information is being given to me (shown to me) to want to live easier, different, fuller and MY WAY.

It has been a long time. I know I can be me. I fought long and hard to be me. I don't know how strong the hold of the drug is on me. I know it is strong. I'm praying I am stronger.

Whew... what a ride I have created and have allowed to be created for myself. It worked for a long time; it has not worked for a fairly long time as well.

Huge. Truly huge.

If what is prescribed for you truly works for you - go for it. If what is prescribed for you and you are questioning it, perhaps, it is a good time to really question, feel, know and participate in what feels most truthful and loving to you.

May you write the prescription of your own life; with help as needed and wanted from outside sources. Amen

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!