Be U: Yikes - Do We Have to?

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Yikes - Do We Have to?

It seems like there is no where to hide (except through the mirror). Mmmmm What the heck am I talking about now?   lol

It seems like we (as a human race) are mostly being forced to look at ourselves and admit our faults, fight, allow or ignore our truth and find a way to truly be able to tell ourselves we love ourself. Yes, I may have done some stupid things in the past. I may have hurt others in the past.   I may have allowed myself to be led astray from my moral compass. I would definitely do some things differently if I could have a do-over knowing what i know now and with the person I am now.

However, this is not the case. These "wrongs" I have "encountered" in the past have brought me here. To right here; right now.

YIKES.   You did hear YIKES, yes?   YIKES! lol

So, I've been looking in the mirror for a long time time; I've been mad and angry and frustrated by what I've seen. There was a time when I couldn't look in the mirror and adore myself. This is no longer the truth.... Now, there are times when I look and say YIKES and, yet, there are way more times now when I look and I can easily blow myself kisses!

I've wondered in the past why I have to work so hard to change my thinking; my ways and my way of doing things and being with life. Why couldn't it just come naturally and easily like it did in past situations.

I have even asked this question outloud to hear the answer - 'because you are the one that is unhappy and you want to do/know/be better tomorrow than you are right now' - Good answer brilliant doctor who answered this for me in this way.   BIG HELP! I got it! I wanted it and I wanted to work harder than ever...for me. I did hope that this would enable/help/embrace others in a big way too.

May you do the work that brings you to your most content self. If you are uncertain what this is or how to do this...may you just close your eyes and breathe deep breaths until you feel more content and walk forward with this.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!