Be U: to Fail or not to Fail

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

to Fail or not to Fail

I believe many of us (now more than ever) are thinking, feeling and hoping to not fail - to succeed as best we can with the way our world is on this fast-paced, high vibration, crazy road that's full of endless information. Sometimes, this surge of information is exhausting to me. I can only take in so much. Sometimes, I love the ability to learn anything my heart desires. It's a new world. It's going to be a great world as we gather together and create bonds that unite us and create human empowerment. It's already begun.

I believe that it is not failing when things change and we cannot continue forward as usual like we always did in the past.

Is it only failing if we act like nothing has changed and pretend that everything is still the same when it is not... If we live falsely and untrue, perhaps, this is failing ourselves the most. If we persevere too long and fight too much to keep things status quo because we do not want to look at the reality of what is; is this where failure can lie the deepest? It is amazing how life can be so different than what we could ever imagine.

Is it only failing if we cannot accept that our plan turns out to be different than we anticipated and try to hold on to what we dreamed it would be like.

Is it winning if we deal with what is with our truest of selves and invite a new dream to emerge from the rubble of our first and long term dream(s) of what we thought our life would look like.

If we gather what we know, what we have and create a new and ongoing dream instead of holding on to a dream that is now out of reach, is this what not failing is.

To me, to fail is to keep wanting something that is not. To win is wanting what you have... and all the inbetween.

May you take what you have, grab onto what you had and create what you will have as you move forward AND count this as the biggest win there is. To keep wanting what you once thought possible and no longer is - perhaps this is true failure.

I wish you big wins and to not know true failure.

I believe it just may be my choice for myself that allows me to win or to fail. I want to not fail. I want to move forward and not be stuck. I want to realize when change has already happened and my dreams need to catch up, move on and create with the reality of what is today.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!