Yesterday, I had a 3 hour massage. It's been a long time since I had my massage therapist come over to the house and work with me. I was nervous going in and I have learned to realize that when my nerves are rampant, this is usually when my body/mind wants to speak. It was the quickest three hours I had in a long time.
My legs and back were shut down and tight. I wasn't allowing much movement to happen. My head, face and neck almost could not be felt. It felt like a complete and strong cage was present that was not going to allow thoughts, feelings and certainly the masseuse to manipulate, prod and/or soften. (hence, the three hours! ha).
I share what comes up for me during these sessions - more than half I most likely forget by the time I get up from the table. I laugh, I cry, I squirm, I push back. Many times in the past, my inclination was to run. I have learned to stay and to feel it through. It is what works best for me to let go and move on.
Yesterday, I remember being able to put words to my 'fight' within myself. Perhaps, just one fight within myself; perhaps, not. I am uncertain.
However, the words that were forthcoming were that of how during the winter, I tighten up - almost put an armor on - (it's mostly on my face and head now; I've released much of my body armor over the past several years). I create this defense against the pain that the cold relinquishes on me. My defense is now a habit that is so strong and comes on so quick. I am now wondering if this tightening up to protect myself from the cold (and probably other things) may be what is harming me now.
I feel the need to let go. I want to know that I am more equipped to handle what comes my way from when I first felt threatened by the world around me as a child. I do have the power to get out of the cold! When as I child, perhaps, I did not as easily.
May you know you are better equipped to handle what comes your way then when you were a defenseless child. May you use this 'equipment' to take care of yourself.
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