Be U: I Sit & Think (uh-oh)

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

I Sit & Think (uh-oh)

I sit here with Christmas music on; next to the tree; here at my computer. I have so many people in my head. Who is coming here today; what are they going to want from me... Where am I going today - who wants me where. What I have to accomplish for who today - what are my expectations about what everyone else wants from me.

How funny (funny is one word). No one is going to leave me or hurt or be angry with me because of me taking care of my own needs. I am the one mostly putting pressure on myself to visit right; do right, be right and accomplish right. Whose 'right' am I trying to live up to. If it's my own - I better stop now. I want to stop now. Too much pressure! If it's another one's 'right' - again, am I self-inflicting this....Most likely, yes.

If someone does get angry or hurt - this is not my intent. And, it's because of what is going on in their life with them. If they are completely okay with their self and confident in their life - they will be okay with whatever my needs are. Of course, none of us are always and forever ok and confident. Most of us humans have a way of not standing in our own truth and not coming from deep within and living our inner knowing. Some humans have a way of being all 'out there' and going and going so this inner knowing cannot catch up. OUCH, sometimes we have to feel pain and gloom to let the light in. We all haven't learned easily how to allow pain and gloom so we can let the light in. Yet, we know in our brains that being human - there is pain and gloom. It's part of the process; the path; the growth of mastering this thing we call 'LIFE'.

The more I live my truth; stand strong in it - the better and more loving I can be to the world around me; the stronger I can be for others to lean on me. When I am weak, I don't have much strength to allow the 'lean'. When I am strong, happy, alive and vibrant - an elephant can lean on me and I can still breath and trust the process.

How do I get strong, happy - be alive and vibrant? By following my inner voice, doing, through love, what makes me happiest and compromising and finding a happy ground for all who enter my domain to support them to do the same, through love.

Through love, we can still hurt. However, we stand stronger. When all we have is love of self - this is all we need. Without self-love, we can get lost; create doubt, fear and lose trust.

May you know that you are here to be loved - if you are not feeling it; most likely, you are not heading on the correct path that was meant for you to experience as human. May you strive to stay on your correct path. (While I say this; I believe we are all right where we need to be for this minute; however, when we are on the path that is built from the inside out; from the connection of our very own breath - and God or the your Higher Power that allows breath - this is the path that I want for us all to connect to our ultimate self).

I honor right where you are in this minute. I support you through belief that you are here to come from your inner knowing.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!