Be U: Little More

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Little More

I have a little more than a week here in Pennsylvania before going down to warm, sunny Florida for a couple of months. My heart is happy. I'm a bit apprehensive because of the comfort of my home that I will be giving up.  We built this home with my needs in mind. We have all easy to grab door handles; easy to use light switches, easy to use water spigots. The heat is in the floor. I do not have to go into the cold garage to throw recycle away. We have a built-in recycle bin that I just open the door and the plastic, newspaper, or aluminum drops into the garage bin. I have lots of space and it's a beautiful home. I am very blessed to live in it.

It is a lot of work to upkeep because it is quite large. Hence, my help. How lucky I am to have help.

So, now I enter an apartment lease for one year in a land where I know I belong.   I've known ever since I was 18 and had never been to Florida yet - that West Palm Beach was where I belonged. I remember calling Andrews and Pinkstone Realtor inquiring about apartments in West Palm Beach. I picked West Palm Beach because I loved the way it sounded. Ha. So, here I am at 52, and I'm going to have this apartment. Crazy, right?   I did buy my first home in FL when I was 40, then sold that and purchased a second home in Florida when I was 44. We sold this home when I was 49. I have been in one place, Pennsylvania, for these almost 4 years. Before this, when I had a home in Florida - we would more or less spend 6 months in PA and 6 months in FL.

Of course, there was good and bad to this; just like everything in life. It was wonderful when I got tired of living one life to be able to start anew in the other area. It was hard to put strong roots down anywhere. It was wonderful not having to 'fight' the cold and it was wonderful to be in the sun all the time. I thought of myself as a 'sunchaser'. I always felt better in the warm air.

Lately, I have been feeling even keel more so whether in the freezing cold (because I stay in) or the warm weather (because I've stayed in). These last three years of going inside myself and pretty much stopped living as to my way of what living was, has been remarkable. I truly believe I changed my chemistry. I know I changed my mind and body and I feel much closer to my soul.   It truly is easier for me to do this when I do not have outside 'noise' or interruptions or even just FUN being with people because, for me; it pulled me away from my inner person; my true self.  AND, I needed to know this person badly.

I really had to get to know AND BE OKAY WITH my true self. How lucky I am that I was able to do this. I am beyond grateful for all who allowed, helped, cheered me on. I'm wowed by and blessed to have a husband that, very grandly, supported me to do this.

I feel I have done this as much as I can; for now.

It's funny how life plays out and when it's time; it's time. So, next week, I drive down to Florida with my dogs and my husband. It is about 1,200 miles. So, my next chapter/journey begins.

While I wait for the day to do this to come.... it is Christmastime here at my home. I love the peace, the spirit, the sound and feel of Christmas. It is a time to be together and a time to celebrate Jesus' birth and a time to not work and to just be. This is how I know to celebrate it.

May you experience what makes you happiest this coming week and lead with open heart and a joyous spirit whether you celebrate Christmas or not.

Note: I feel there are many suffering; may you feel a spark of light within yourself and know that you are loved and there is a reason for you to be here. Someone, somewhere needs your spark (Joel Osteen). I hope you give yourself permission to focus on your spark; your light, with an open heart. My wish is for you to stop suffering by allowing yourself to feel it and process it (alone or with help); and when you are ready, let go and move on and let your loving light lead you.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!